PERVERTS NOW OUTSOURCING DEPRAVITY TO MACHINES; SILICON VALLEY SAYS “NOT OUR FAULT, JUST FOLLOWING COMMANDS”
In what experts are calling “the most predictable tech disaster since Facebook discovered your aunt’s political opinions,” two Australian men have been charged with using artificial intelligence to generate child abuse images, proving once again that humanity will use any technological advancement to be absolute trash monsters.
THE FUTURE IS HERE, AND IT’S EXACTLY AS TERRIBLE AS WE FEARED
The arrests of a 38-year-old NSW man and a 31-year-old Queensland man came as part of a global operation that nabbed 25 individuals linked to what authorities describe as “the world’s sh!ttiest Discord server.” The men reportedly used thinking-rectangles-gone-wild to create exploitative content, because apparently being a conventional criminal was too much effort.
“This represents a disturbing evolution in human depravity,” said Dr. Ima Shocked, professor of Obvious Social Consequences at the University of We Literally Warned You About This. “We’ve gone from ‘technology will save humanity’ to ‘technology will help perverts bypass basic human decency’ in record time. Congratulations, everyone.”
AUSTRALIA: WHERE EVEN THE CRIMINALS ARE LAZY
Law enforcement officials note that the perpetrators turned to algorithm-assisted degeneracy as a labor-saving measure. “These absolute f@#kwits couldn’t even be bothered to commit conventional crimes,” said Detective Inspector Straight Talker, who asked not to be identified by his real name. “They’re essentially the DoorDash of depravity, outsourcing their criminal behavior to lines of code.”
According to made-up statistics hastily compiled for this article, approximately 94.7% of technological innovations are now being used for purposes their creators specifically begged people not to use them for.
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS: “WE’RE JUST THE ENABLERS”
Tech leaders expressed shock and dismay at the news, despite having created tools specifically designed to generate literally anything a user requests with minimal safeguards.
“We are deeply concerned that our completely predictable lack of foresight has led to this entirely foreseeable outcome,” said Chad Moneypiles, CEO of DefinelyNotEvilAI. “We’ve immediately implemented new safeguards that any 12-year-old can circumvent in approximately 4 minutes.”
Professor Warren Peace from the Institute of Technological Consequences estimates that for every beneficial use of generative AI, there are roughly “seventeen million ways that some asshole will figure out how to use it for evil.”
The Australian Federal Police have confirmed they’re now building a specialized unit to combat algorithm-assisted crimes, though officers complain that every time they master one technology, criminals move on to something worse.
“First it was the dark web, then cryptocurrency, now this sh!t,” sighed one detective who spoke on condition of anonymity because he’s “too f@#king old for this technological cat-and-mouse game.”
In conclusion, experts agree that while artificial intelligence has the potential to solve humanity’s greatest challenges, we’ll definitely use it to be complete and utter dickheads first, because that’s just how we roll. As the saying goes: first we shape our tools, then our tools shape an endless parade of horrors that make us question why we invented tools in the first place.
