SILICON VALLEY NERDS LAUNCH VIDEO TOOL THAT STEALS YOUR SH!T, CALL IT “INNOVATION”
TECH OVERLORDS INSIST THEY’RE NOT THIEVES WHILE ACTIVELY PICKING ARTISTS’ POCKETS
In what can only be described as the digital equivalent of walking into the Louvre with a shopping cart and yelling “EVERYTHING’S FREE,” OpenAI has launched its video generation tool Sora in the UK this week. The timing couldn’t be more perfect, coming just as the government announced plans to let tech companies use artists’ work without permission, in a move critics are calling “complete and utter bullsh!t.”
FANCY ROBOTS MAKING MOVIES NOW, DIRECTORS TOLD TO GO F@#K THEMSELVES
Sora, which creates videos that look like they were made by actual humans with talent and years of training, operates on a simple principle, according to experts: take everything, pay for nothing, and act confused when people get upset.
“Sora would not exist without its training data,” said film director and crossbench peer Beeban Kidron, demonstrating her remarkable ability to state the f@#king obvious. “This adds another level of urgency to the copyright debate,” she continued, in what may be the understatement of the century.
GOVERNMENT BENDS OVER BACKWARDS TO PLEASE TECH BILLIONAIRES, SURPRISING ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
The UK government, clearly hoping to win the coveted “Most Artist-Hostile Nation” award, faced fierce criticism this week for its plans to let AI companies use creative works without permission or payment. The revolutionary approach, dubbed “legalized theft” by some critics, has been praised by tech executives who coincidentally donate massive amounts to political campaigns.
“What people don’t understand is that we’re creating VALUE,” explained Dr. Rich White Dude, Chief Innovation Officer at MakeArtObsolete Inc. “Sure, we’re using other people’s lifelong work without compensation, but look at our stock prices!”
ARTISTS FOOLISHLY THINK THEIR WORK HAS VALUE, TECH BROS DISAGREE
Over 1,000 artists including Kate Bush and Damon Albarn participated in what they called a “silent protest” this week. Tech executives reportedly responded by asking their coding monkeys if they could train an AI to make better, more compliant versions of Kate Bush who don’t whine about “fair compensation” or “basic respect.”
“These creative types just don’t understand disruption,” said Professor Ivor Yacht, who teaches Exploitation Economics at Silicon Valley University. “According to our research, approximately 103% of artists secretly WANT their work stolen and repurposed by algorithms.”
INDUSTRY EXPERTS PREDICT EXCITING FUTURE WHERE NOBODY CREATES ANYTHING BUT MACHINES THAT COPY CREATORS
Market analysts predict the AI video generation market could be worth upwards of $17 gazillion by next Tuesday, with 98.7% of all visual media being created by machines trained on work they didn’t pay for within five years.
“It’s the circle of digital life,” explained creativity consultant Emma Stealing-Izfein. “First humans make art, then machines learn from that art, then machines replace humans, then humans have nothing left to live for. It’s beautiful when you think about it.”
In a final statement that perfectly captures the zeitgeist of our times, OpenAI’s spokesbot clarified: “We’re not destroying creative industries, we’re just making them completely unnecessary. There’s a subtle difference that our lawyers insist is important.”
