# DUTCH TOWN HOLDS WORLD HOSTAGE WITH SPACE LIGHT MACHINES; “WE’LL F@#KING DO IT,” WARNS CEO
In a shocking revelation that’s sent diplomats into panic-induced diarrhea, a tiny Dutch town you couldn’t find on a map if your life depended on it is apparently controlling the entire global economy with machines that harness the light of dead baby stars.
ALIEN TECHNOLOGY OR JUST REALLY WEIRD DUTCH SH!T?
The town of Veldhoven (population: who cares) hosts what experts are calling “the most valuable f@#king building on Earth” – a factory producing extreme ultraviolet (EUV) machines that create light not naturally found anywhere on our pathetic little planet. These machines are the only way to make advanced semiconductor chips, because apparently regular Earth light just isn’t good enough anymore.
“What we’re seeing is essentially alien technology in wooden shoes,” explains Dr. Chip Makersson, head of Unnecessarily Complex Technologies at the Institute for Things You Don’t Understand. “The Dutch have basically captured star farts and turned them into money printers.”
LOCAL RESIDENTS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO GLOBAL DOMINATION
While geopolitical tensions reach thermonuclear levels over access to these machines, local Dutch residents remain characteristically unbothered.
“Oh, the big factory that makes the star light thingies? Yes, very nice. They sponsor our cheese festival,” commented Hanna Vanderploeg, 78, while continuing to sweep her immaculate front step. “Sometimes my cat watches the delivery trucks. He is also not impressed.”
CHINA TOLD TO GO PLAY WITH ABACUSES INSTEAD
In what international relations experts are calling “the technological equivalent of taking your ball and going home,” the Dutch factory has been forbidden from selling its precious star-light machines to China.
“We’ve told China they absolutely cannot have our space light,” said an anonymous Western diplomat, visibly sweating through his $3,000 suit. “They can have TikTok and manufacturing 98% of everything else on Earth, but this magical light box? That’s where we draw the f@#king line!”
Chinese officials responded by announcing plans to build their own EUV machines “with better features and also it makes dumplings,” according to state media reports that 107% of scientists agree are totally plausible.
GLOBAL TECH INDUSTRY NOW DEPENDENT ON TINY TOWN WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS
The situation has created the most absurd geopolitical leverage since Saudi Arabia discovered oil. The entire $500 trillion global tech industry now revolves around a town whose second biggest claim to fame is a particularly well-maintained roundabout.
“It’s like discovering the key to the universe is kept in a sock drawer in Nebraska,” says Professor Irene Leverpull of the Strategic Technology Assessment Program. “Except this sock drawer can decide which countries get smartphones next year.”
When asked about their newfound status as global kingmakers, the Dutch company’s CEO reportedly shrugged and said, “We’re just doing normal business things with our star-light space machines. Nothing to see here,” before climbing onto a bicycle and riding away at a frustratingly reasonable pace.
As tensions continue to rise, experts warn that whoever controls these mysterious light boxes essentially controls the future of humanity, which really makes you wonder why we built a world where dead star light from the Netherlands determines whether your toaster can talk to your refrigerator or not.
