LOCAL IDIOT DECIDES TO DOWNLOAD ‘FREE MOVIE DOWNLOADER 2000.EXE’, SOLVES ENERGY CRISIS WITH LAPTOP THAT’S NOW HOTTER THAN THE SUN
WORLD SHOCKED AS HACKERS ACTUALLY DO THEIR JOBS
In what experts are calling “the least surprising f@#king news since water was declared wet,” cybercriminals are apparently working very hard at being criminals. SonicWall’s latest report reveals that hackers are now moving at “unprecedented speeds,” which is corporate-speak for “holy sh!t, these basement-dwelling energy drink enthusiasts are MOTIVATED.”
The report specifically highlights that the U.S. healthcare sector and Latin America are prime targets, because apparently stealing grandma’s medical records and holding them hostage is now the digital equivalent of pushing someone down for their lunch money.
“These threat actors are evolving faster than my ex-wife’s story about where she was last night,” explained Dr. Norton McAfee, Chief Paranoia Officer at the Institute for Stating the Obvious. “They’re working at speeds we’ve never seen before, which is ironic considering most of them haven’t physically moved from their gaming chairs in approximately seven years.”
HEALTHCARE SECTOR SHOCKED TO DISCOVER PATIENT DATA WORTH MORE THAN ACTUAL PATIENTS
U.S. healthcare organizations remain bewildered that criminals would target their systems despite their robust security measures, which include passwords like “password123” and sticky notes with admin credentials attached to monitors.
“We’ve invested literally dozens of dollars in cybersecurity,” claimed hospital administrator Barbara Notabot. “We even had the intern Google ‘how to stop hackers’ last Tuesday, so I don’t understand how this keeps happening.”
According to completely real statistics we just made up, 94% of healthcare breaches begin when a 68-year-old doctor named Gerald clicks on an email titled “HOT SINGLES WANT TO DISCUSS YOUR MEDICAL LICENSE.”
LATIN AMERICA: NOW EXPORTING COFFEE, SALSA MUSIC, AND DEVASTATING RANSOMWARE ATTACKS
The report also notes Latin America has become a hot spot for cyber attacks, surprising absolutely no one who’s been paying attention to global security trends or, you know, maps.
“Latin American organizations are experiencing a cyber crime wave that makes the regular crime wave seem like a gentle ocean breeze by comparison,” said Professor Ima Notreal, Chair of Making Shit Up Studies at Fictional University. “These hackers are moving so fast, they’ve been clocked at 56 ransomwares per hour, breaking the previous record held by that 14-year-old in Nebraska who just wanted to impress his Discord friends.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: NOW MAKING BOTH HACKING AND TERRIBLE EXCUSES MORE EFFICIENT
The report ominously warns that artificial intelligence is accelerating attacks, as if giving sentient calculator-brains access to our most vulnerable systems was somehow a bad idea.
“The electronic thought machines have dramatically increased the efficiency of cyber attacks,” warns security analyst Chad Firewall. “What used to take hackers three days of Mountain Dew-fueled coding now takes 47 seconds and a poorly worded prompt like ‘make hacker thing that steals money plz.'”
Industry experts predict that by 2026, approximately 98.7% of all cybersecurity will consist of pulling the ethernet cable out of the wall and screaming “NOT TODAY, SATAN” at your router.
“At the current rate,” explained cybersecurity strategist Penny Word-Smith, “the average American’s personal data will be stolen approximately 17 times before they even finish reading this article. In fact, someone in Ukraine just bought a jet ski with your credit card. Surprise!”
When reached for comment, the average company’s IT department responded, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” before sobbing quietly into their coffee.
In conclusion, experts recommend protecting yourself by either abandoning technology entirely and moving to a cave, or just accepting that your nudes are probably already on some server in Kazakhstan. The choice is yours, but the outcome remains the same: your password still sucks and you should have changed it seven months ago.
