NVIDIA STOCK SOARS AS INVESTORS IGNORE REALITY, LOGIC, AND BASIC MATH
In what financial experts are calling “mass f@#king delusion on an unprecedented scale,” Nvidia’s stock price climbed to stratospheric heights yesterday after the company announced it made a sh!t-ton of money selling overpriced chips to tech companies desperately trying to compete in the digital d!ck-measuring contest known as AI development.
INVESTORS THROW MONEY AT NVIDIA LIKE DRUNK GAMBLERS AT A STRIP CLUB
Despite recent revelations that cheaper alternatives to Nvidia’s ludicrously expensive GPUs exist and work perfectly fine, Wall Street responded by shoving even MORE money at the company, proving once again that financial markets operate with all the rational thought of a toddler on a sugar rush.
Nvidia reported $39.3 billion in revenue, somehow convincing investors that selling what amounts to fancy calculators at 9000% markup is a sustainable business model that definitely won’t collapse when everyone sobers up.
“What we’re seeing is completely normal market behavior,” explained financial analyst Dr. Cash McBurnington. “Just because a competitor proved you don’t need a $40,000 chip to run AI doesn’t mean people will stop buying $40,000 chips. That’s just how capitalism works, baby!”
TECH BROS CONTINUE HUFFING HOPIUM
Despite the fact that China’s DeepSeek recently demonstrated an AI model that works just fine on cheaper hardware, tech executives worldwide continue to order Nvidia chips by the truckload, citing critical business reasons like “everyone else is doing it” and “the green logo looks cool in our server room.”
According to a completely made-up survey, 97.3% of tech CEOs admitted they have no f@#king clue what these chips actually do but are “terrified of being left behind.”
“I ordered $500 million worth of Nvidia hardware because my competitor did,” confessed Silicon Valley CEO Hugh Jassett. “Do I know what they do? Absolutely not. Could we build our products without them? Probably. Will I admit that to shareholders? Go f@#k yourself.”
ANALYSTS PREDICT GPU SHORTAGE WILL END WHEN COLLECTIVE HALLUCINATION DOES
Professor Reality Check of the Institute for Obvious Economic Outcomes predicts Nvidia’s golden age will continue “until the exact moment everyone simultaneously realizes they’ve been conned.”
“Look, Nvidia is basically selling digital shovels during an AI gold rush,” she explained. “The fact that these shovels are made of gold-plated titanium and cost more than a small nation’s GDP when regular shovels work just fine is completely irrelevant to people who think they’re about to strike it rich.”
According to industry insiders, approximately 89% of all Nvidia chips purchased in the last year are currently being used to generate pictures of cats wearing hats and answer questions that could be solved with a simple Google search.
At press time, Nvidia announced plans to release an even more expensive chip that does exactly the same thing as their current chips but comes in a slightly different shade of green, with pre-orders already exceeding $12 billion.
