TRUMP UNVEILS “F@#KING FABULOUS GAZA BEACH CLUB & CASINO” PLAN USING DEEPFAKE VIDEO WHERE HE AND NETANYAHU OGLE BIKINI MODELS
Former president and reality-shifting enthusiast Donald Trump has unveiled his groundbreaking solution to decades of Middle Eastern conflict: turning Gaza into a luxury resort where war crimes come with complimentary mojitos.
PEACE THROUGH PARASAILING
In an AI-generated video that makes acid trips look like PBS documentaries, Trump and Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu are shown lounging on gold-plated beach chairs while Elon Musk prances through money like a capitalist Scrooge McDuck. The video, shared on Truth Social without a hint of f@#king self-awareness, showcases Trump’s vision for what he calls “the Riviera of the Middle East, but with more Trump flags.”
“We’re gonna build the most beautiful beaches, just gorgeous beaches. The best sand, really tremendous sand,” Trump allegedly told advisors in a meeting where everyone stared at their shoes. “Palestinians can work as cabana boys. They’ll love it. Everyone says so.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTE HORROR
Dr. Ima Speechless, Professor of International WTF Studies at Harvard, explained: “This is like watching someone plan a Chuck E. Cheese on top of Arlington Cemetery. I’ve studied global conflicts for 30 years and never considered ‘beach volleyball’ as a solution to ethnic cleansing.”
According to completely made-up statistics, 97.3% of foreign policy experts responded to Trump’s plan with noise combinations previously unrecorded in human language.
AMENITIES INCLUDE TRAUMA WITH A VIEW
The proposed “Trump Gaza Paradise Resort & Definitely Not A War Crime” would feature 312 luxury suites, 17 infinity pools, and absolutely no acknowledgment of displaced residents.
“Each room comes with binoculars so guests can watch Israeli tanks while enjoying complimentary Trump-branded bathrobes,” said Chip Soulless, Trump’s newly appointed Director of Converting Human Suffering Into Revenue Streams.
MUSK PROMISES HYPERLOOP TO NOWHERE
Tech billionaire and professional attention-seeker Elon Musk has reportedly pledged to build a Hyperloop connecting the resort to Tel Aviv, which engineering experts say has the same likelihood of completion as world peace achieved through Twitter polls.
“We’ll transport guests at 700 mph through a tunnel of innovation,” Musk allegedly tweeted at 3 AM while high on his own supply of self-importance. “Also, everyone gets flamethrowers in their welcome package.”
ECONOMIC PLAN SLIGHTLY VAGUE
When pressed for details on how this development would address the humanitarian crisis, Trump reportedly said, “Money fixes everything. I’ve been bankrupt four times, so I know what I’m talking about.”
The project’s $18 billion budget apparently includes $12 billion for “really nice gold stuff” and $6 billion for “whatever else, we’ll figure it out.”
In related news, Hell has reportedly frozen over, pigs are now airborne, and basic human decency continues its extended sabbatical from American politics.
