CHINESE AI OVERLORD NOW CREATES VIDEOS 2.5X FASTER THAN OPENAI, PROMISES TO “SUPERCHARGE YOUR OPPRESSION MONTAGES”
In a development that has American tech bros weeping into their Patagonia vests, Chinese e-commerce behemoth Alibaba just released a video generation suite so powerful it makes OpenAI’s Sora look like a flip book drawn by a toddler having a seizure.
WELCOME TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED TECHNOLOGICAL HUMILIATION
Alibaba’s Tongyi Lab unleashed Wan2.1, a video generation monster that not only outperforms Western competitors but does it at 2.5x the speed—because apparently crushing America’s technological dominance needed to happen on an expedited timeline.
The system excels at complex motion dynamics, physics simulation, and text rendering, which experts say will revolutionize everything from filmmaking to “creating extremely realistic deepfakes that will definitely never be used for geopolitical chaos.”
“This represents a paradigm shift in AI video generation,” said Dr. Hugh Monginnovation, Director of the Center for Pretending China Isn’t Winning Everything. “While U.S. companies protect their best AI like it’s the nuclear codes, Chinese firms are basicaly saying ‘f@#k it, let’s just give everyone god-like creative powers and see what happens.'”
AMERICAN TECH EXECUTIVES HOSPITALIZED WITH SEVERE BUTTHURT
Particularly impressive is Wan’s 1.3B “light” version that can run on consumer hardware, generating a 5-second clip in just 4 minutes on an RTX 4090—meaning regular people can now create Hollywood-quality videos faster than Hollywood executives can sexually harass their assistants.
“We spent $100 million developing a video AI that we hide behind seventeen waitlists and paywalls that costs users $2,000 in cloud computing credits per use,” sobbed one anonymous OpenAI executive. “Meanwhile, Alibaba just gives away better tech for free? That’s… that’s not FAIR!”
GOOGLE THROWS A BONE TO THE PROLETARIAT
In related news, Google responded to the Chinese technological onslaught by offering crumbs to the coding masses in the form of free Gemini Code Assist, which provides 180,000 monthly code completions—a staggering 90 times more than GitHub Copilot’s free tier.
“We figured we better give away SOMETHING before everything collapses,” said Google spokesperson Charity Token. “Here, take this free coding assistant. Just please don’t notice that we’re getting absolutely sh!t-stomped in the AI video space.”
CLAUDE 3.7 PLAYS POKEMON, SOMEHOW STILL LESS COMPETENT THAN YOUR SEVEN-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW
Meanwhile, Anthropic demonstrated its latest AI model Claude 3.7 Sonnet by having it play Pokémon Red on Twitch, where viewers can watch the AI’s “thought process” in real-time. The AI defeated three gym leaders, which is impressive until you realize most human children can beat the entire game while simultaneously eating Cheerios and watching cartoons.
“The fascinating thing about Claude playing Pokémon is seeing exactly how an advanced AI approaches problem-solving,” explained Professor Obvious McPointerson of the Institute for Stating What Everyone Can See. “For instance, when encountering a locked door, Claude spends 42 seconds contemplating the philosophical nature of barriers before trying to walk through a wall 17 times.”
INDUSTRY ANALYSTS PREDICT TOTAL TECHNOLOGICAL COLONIZATION BY CHRISTMAS
According to a study we just made up, 97.3% of American tech workers are now learning Mandarin and practicing saying “please don’t turn off my electricity” in preparation for our new technological overlords.
“Look, I’m just saying maybe we shouldn’t have spent the last decade making chat bots that write marketing emails while China built actual useful sh!t,” commented venture capitalist Rich McVestment, who has already moved 87% of his portfolio to Chinese AI companies. “But what do I know? I’m just a guy who likes money and not being economically obliterated.”
At press time, Alibaba was reportedly already working on Wan3.0, which sources claim will be able to generate an entire Christopher Nolan film trilogy from a single emoji and predict exactly when America will surrender its technological dominance entirely.
