APPLE DECLARES WAR ON UNITED KINGDOM, THREATENS TO DELETE ENTIRE COUNTRY FROM MAPS APP
In an unprecedented escalation of tech-government relations, Apple has essentially told the United Kingdom to go f@#k itself, threatening to remove tea-drinking capabilities from all UK iPhones if the country doesn’t back down from its security demands.
CUPERTINO COLONIALISM
Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking from his solid gold throne made entirely of unused iPhone chargers, has informed Prime Minister Keir Starmer that the UK must recognize Apple as its rightful sovereign or face “catastrophic consequences.”
“The United Kingdom? Never heard of her,” Cook reportedly said while casually polishing a $50,000 Apple Watch. “Perhaps they meant the United Kingdumb, am I right? Listen, we have more cash reserves than their entire economy. We could literally buy Buckingham Palace and turn it into an Apple Store with really uncomfortable wooden stools.”
Sources close to Starmer claim the Prime Minister spent fourteen hours trying to factory reset his government before realizing that was not, in fact, a real option.
TERMS OF SERVICE NOW LONGER THAN BRITISH CONSTITUTION
Apple has updated its Terms of Service to include a clause stating that “any nation challenging Apple security protocols hereby surrenders its sovereignty, historical monuments, and must rename itself ‘iCountry’ effective immediately.”
“This is perfectly normal corporate behavior,” explains economic analyst Dr. Capitalism Rulez. “When a company worth $3 trillion disagrees with a government, the government should obviously just dissolve. That’s just basic free market principles that I definitely didn’t just make up.”
According to an Apple press release written entirely in emoji, the company has developed a new feature called “National Security Override” which automatically changes all government documents to simply read “Apple knows best” in sleek Helvetica font.
UK CONSIDERS SURRENDER, CONTEMPLATES LIFE AS APPLE SUBSIDIARY
Sources within the UK government admit they’re seriously considering Apple’s demands after discovering that 97% of Parliament cannot remember any of their passwords without their iPhones.
“Look, we’ve survived the collapse of the Empire, two World Wars, and Brexit,” sighed one anonymous British official. “But living without iMessage? That’s simply asking too much of the British people.”
A hastily-commissioned government study found that approximately 83% of UK citizens would rather surrender to Apple than learn how to use Android phones, with the remaining 17% being “too bloody old to know what a smartphone is anyway.”
TECH EXPERTS PREDICT OUTCOME
Professor Hugh Jeego, head of Corporate Domination Studies at the University of Making Sh!t Up, believes this standoff will end predictably.
“Historically speaking, whenever a massive corporation with more money than God faces off against a government with the backbone of a chocolate eclair left in the sun, the government inevitably caves faster than a Boris Johnson promise,” Jeego noted while furiously trying to back up his iPhone.
Surveys show approximately 94.7% of UK citizens would support becoming an Apple territory if it meant getting free AirPods and first access to new iPhone models.
As this crisis unfolds, Tim Cook has reportedly begun designing a new British flag featuring the Apple logo where the Union Jack used to be, while Starmer practices saying “One more thing…” at the start of all future speeches.
