**Unemployed Humans Rejoice as Household Bots Now Capable of Doing Your Job, But at Home**
After a bitter breakup with OpenAI, humanoid maker Figure has unveiled its latest attempt to make people completely useless: a household robot that understands speech and can handle random objects it’s never seen before. Because apparently, filling our homes with slightly sentient appliances is the future we all asked for.
Dubbed “Helix,” this new AI-powered system boasts a so-called “brain” with 7 billion parameters – which is still 3 billion parameters shy of competing with your average teenager, but give it time. With only 500 hours of training, Figure claims Helix-powered robots can now take orders, navigate kitchen disasters, and put away groceries like a passive-aggressive spouse.
“Imagine coming home to a helper who never complains, never asks for a raise, and can’t unionize,” said Brett Adcock, CEO of Figure. “That’s the dream we’re selling!”
To prove its tech isn’t completely useless, Figure demonstrated two Helix-powered machines teaming up to unpack boxes and store food—an act many vowed their toddlers would one day accomplish, but alas, here we are. The robots required no pre-training for these tasks, meaning they just figured out how to put things on shelves using nothing but AI, efficiency, and complete emotional detachment.
The company is confident this tech will usher in an era where humanoid workers are quietly replaced by silicon-based overachievers, starting in the home. “Right now, Helix is just putting away apples and cereal,” said Adcock. “But soon, it’ll be folding your laundry, vacuuming your floors, and maybe even sighing audibly when you leave your dirty dish in the sink.”
Skeptics, however, warn of potential consequences. “The last thing we need is a robot that understands speech but doesn’t understand sarcasm,” said tech analyst Jason Brody. “Imagine muttering ‘Oh great, the robot’s doing my job now’ and it just nods and continues replacing you. That’s terrifying.”
Meanwhile, Helix is so efficient it runs on simple onboard GPUs, ensuring that unlike your meticulously built gaming PC, it won’t crash because Chrome has 17 tabs open.
With robots now officially tackling household chores, some are optimistic this might finally convince men to lend a hand around the house. Others suspect it will just lead to them barking even more orders at an obedient machine while still ignoring “the good towels.”
For now, Helix users eager for a domestic assistant will have to wait a bit longer before robots start pouring wine and judging your life choices. However, Figure promises the fully automated mid-life crisis feature should roll out in a future update.
