AI Has Enhanced Millions of Jobs, Mostly By Making Them Disappear

In what experts are calling “a major step forward for efficiency” and “a minor inconvenience for humans who enjoy being employed,” artificial intelligence has dramatically enhanced the workforce—by systematically eliminating it.

Industries worldwide are reporting record-breaking productivity, all thanks to revolutionary AI that works 24/7, never calls in sick, and does not require a pension. Meanwhile, human workers are discovering new career opportunities in exciting fields like “panicked job-seeking,” “over-explaining their value to emotionless software,” and “learning lucrative skills long after they’ve become obsolete.”

“We’re really excited about the possibilities,” said corporate spokesperson Brad Callahan. “AI is allowing us to streamline operations, reduce costs, and free up staff for higher-value tasks—like filing for unemployment. It’s a win-win!”

Not everyone is as thrilled. Former marketing specialist Lisa Witherspoon described her experience with AI as “life-changing” after waking up one morning to find her responsibilities and access to company software transferred to ChatGPT overnight. “It’s been incredible,” she said, sarcasm dripping from her voice. “Now, instead of writing campaigns, I spend my days screaming into my fridge. Super efficient!”

Tech advocates assure the public that AI isn’t eliminating jobs—it’s merely transforming them into “new, unrecognizable forms that no longer pay money.” According to economists, these unexpected shifts will create a wealth of fresh opportunities for those who are “willing to adapt,” “able to code in six different languages,” and “totally fine with competing against machines that don’t need basic human things like sleep, family life, or paychecks.”

In response to growing concerns, companies have encouraged workers to retrain in “AI ethics monitoring,” a promising field expected to pay handsomely, at least until executives inevitably replace those roles with—surprise!—more AI.