**EU Leaders Heroically Prepare Sternly Worded Letter in Response to Trump Tariffs**
Brussels has swung into full diplomatic overdrive, mobilizing its most feared weapon: strongly phrased bureaucratic outrage.
Following former President Donald Trump’s latest tariffs on European aluminum and steel, EU Commission President Ursula von der Leyen vowed today that the trade penalties “will not go unanswered.” Sources suggest that potential European countermeasures include elevated eyebrow raising, 12-hour emergency summits, and a letter with at least three uses of the word “unacceptable.”
French President Emmanuel Macron, who took the stage at a European summit, displayed the brave defiance of a man who once read a mildly displeased email without wincing. “We will face these challenges with dignity, dialogue, and perhaps a well-placed passive-aggressive statement in an economic forum,” Macron proclaimed, as aides carefully placed a thesaurus beside him.
Experts believe Europe will soon retaliate with tariffs of its own, mirroring the boldness of a parent threatening to count to three but never quite reaching it. Trade Commissioner Thierry Breton has reportedly drafted several possible responses, including tariff hikes on American products such as peanut butter, cowboy hats, and bald eagle memorabilia.
In Washington, Trump reacted in typical fashion. “The EU? Sad. Very weak. They tax wine, and their wine’s not even that good,” he announced to reporters, before abruptly pivoting to an unrelated rant about how sharks are overrated.
European leaders insist that their countermeasures will be “firm and proportionate.” Sources inside the EU suggest this could include inviting American officials to a “meaningful discussion,” canceling one or two future photo opportunities, and perhaps—if things truly escalate—unfollowing the U.S. on social media.
