**AI Deciphers 2,000-Year-Old Scroll, Discovers Ancient Romans Complaining About Taxes**
In a stunning technological breakthrough that proves humanity will do anything to avoid dealing with modern problems, researchers have successfully read parts of an ancient scroll that was flambéed by Mount Vesuvius nearly two millennia ago. The scroll, discovered in the ruins of a luxurious Roman villa in Herculaneum, had been previously written off as an overpriced piece of charcoal.
After applying AI, machine learning, and what we can only assume was the intense praying of desperate archaeologists, scientists managed to pry words from the papyrus — revealing breathtaking new insights, such as the fact that people in ancient Rome were as miserable as we are today.
“After years of painstaking research, we were finally able to read the words ‘taxes are bulls#&%’ followed by what appears to be a very detailed insult directed at the emperor,” said Dr. Marcus Tiberius (no relation), a lead researcher on the project. “Truly, it’s thrilling to confirm that whining about the government is an eternal tradition.”
The scroll is one of hundreds found in the so-called Villa of the Papyri, which historians now speculate may have simply been an ancient storage room for unfinished rants and bad poetry.
“One section seems to be a rejected speech titled ‘Why I Deserve More Wine Rations,’ scribbled out angrily with ink stains surrounding it,” noted a researcher. “It’s kind of inspiring to see how little human nature has changed.”
The AI, which was trained on thousands of Latin texts and presumably every emotionally charged Yelper review available, has helped unlock some of the document’s secrets. However, skeptics argue that we are spending an unholy amount of money to decipher what may essentially be a Roman man’s grocery list.
“Incredible discoveries await,” said Dr. Vincent Gregory, an archaeologist with far too much excitement for burnt paper. “There are hundreds more scrolls left to decode, and we’re hoping one of them contains the Latin equivalent of Tinder messages.”
For now, researchers are celebrating this achievement as proof that AI can be used for more than just generating unsettling yearbook photos. However, they remain cautious — after all, the next scroll might just be a 70-page rant about how new amphoras cost too damn much.
