AI Scientists Confident Supercomputer Will Eventually Predict Universe’s End, But Still Struggle To Forecast Tomorrow’s Weather
Advanced artificial intelligence is reportedly on the brink of unlocking the deepest mysteries of the cosmos, potentially even predicting the exact moment and manner in which the universe will meet its untimely demise, according to Cern’s next director general, Mark Thomson. Meanwhile, meteorologists continue to flip a coin to determine if you’ll need an umbrella tomorrow.
Thomson, who will helm CERN starting in 2026, expressed boundless enthusiasm over the prospect of AI revolutionizing fundamental physics, despite the fact that AI still struggles to generate a convincing human hand in digital art. “We may finally understand the very threads of reality itself,” Thomson said, pausing to yell at his smartphone’s voice assistant for completely misinterpreting his grocery list. “AI opens doors we couldn’t even conceive of before—except, of course, for the automatic doors at the supermarket, which it still hasn’t mastered.”
By leveraging machine learning techniques, CERN scientists believe AI could surpass human limitations in particle physics; however, AI’s most immediate application in the field so far has been confidently presenting inaccurate equations with disturbing levels of self-assurance. “We’re seeing massive leaps forward,” said one anonymous researcher. “Just last week, our AI system confidently informed us that the Higgs boson was ‘a sandwich’ before spontaneously shutting itself down.”
Some skeptics are less certain about AI’s grand predictions. “First, AI was supposed to take all our jobs,” said astrophysicist Dr. Elaine Woods. “Now it’s telling us how the universe ends? Honestly, I’d be more impressed if it could tell me why my coffee maker keeps blinking 12:00.” Others fear AI could accidentally create the destruction it predicts. “We built machine learning to help us understand reality,” Dr. Woods continued, “but at this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if it just glitches out and causes a black hole to form in my living room.”
Despite the setbacks, Thomson remains optimistic that AI will soon reveal humanity’s ultimate fate, paving the way for an era of scientific enlightenment—or at the very least, an improvement in Netflix’s recommendation algorithm. However, one thing remains certain: while AI races towards predicting the cosmos’ fiery finale, you’ll still need to check three different weather apps just to figure out if you should bring a jacket.
