European Union Heroically Bans Evil AI While Having No Idea How AI Works
In a landmark victory for regulation enthusiasts everywhere, the European Union’s long-awaited AI Act has officially gone into effect, cementing the bloc’s reputation as the world’s premier institution for legislating things it barely understands. As of today, certain AI-related activities are now illegal, meaning that, at last, Europeans can sleep soundly knowing that humanity is safe from whatever it was they thought AI was going to do.
Among the law’s most lauded achievements is the outright ban of specific AI use cases, which the EU has confidently declared “dangerous” after watching several dystopian sci-fi movies and skimming a few doomsday Twitter threads. “We wanted to strike a balance between innovation and complete, draconian overreach,” said Günther von Regulationstein, head of EU AI Oversight. “So we just went ahead and banned the really scary stuff outright while making sure employees have… what did we call it? Ah yes, ‘a sufficient level of AI literacy.’ That should do the trick.”
Critics have raised concerns about politicians with humanities degrees making sweeping decisions on complex technology, but the EU remains undeterred. “I read a Wired article about AI once,” said one policymaker, straightening his tie with confidence. “It seemed… concerning. So we fixed it.”
In addition to these new restrictions, companies that use AI are now required to ensure their employees have an “adequate level” of knowledge about the technology. While details remain scarce on what constitutes “adequate,” insiders confirm the policy was inspired by an intern who once successfully generated an image of a cat on Midjourney without setting his laptop on fire.
Some businesses have pushed back against the law, arguing that it places unnecessary burdens on innovation, but the EU remains steadfast in its commitment to moving at the breakneck speed of bureaucracy. “What we lack in technological understanding, we more than make up for in paperwork,” von Regulationstein reassured reporters. “If AI wants to be in Europe, it must fill out form 17B in triplicate and pass a mandatory 18-month approval review—fair is fair.”
As the rest of the world zips ahead in AI research and development, the EU remains confident in its ability to reign in progress, ensuring a future where AI is both tightly regulated and barely functional. In unrelated news, several tech companies have announced their sudden departure from the region, citing “creative differences” with the concept of compliance.
