Keir Starmer Devastated to Learn UK Economy Does Not Have a ‘Boost’ Button
In what is being described by political analysts as a “tragic misunderstanding of modern economics,” Labour leader Keir Starmer was reportedly heartbroken after learning that the UK economy does not, in fact, come with a simple “boost” button like a video game power-up.
Sources close to Starmer say the opposition leader had been operating under the assumption that, once in power, he could simply mash a conveniently placed key on his keyboard and watch GDP numbers soar overnight. “I really thought there’d be a button for this,” Starmer was heard mumbling to himself after an economic briefing. “Maybe even a dial I could turn up. Is there a volume knob for wealth?”
Chancellor Jeremy Hunt, who has spent years pretending to know how any of this works, admitted he understood Starmer’s confusion. “It is quite disappointing, honestly,” Hunt said. “I mean, we have buttons for so many things—why not this? You’d think with all these AI breakthroughs, someone could have slapped together a ‘print more money but make it good’ feature.”
Unfortunately, experts continue to warn that economic growth requires things like “strategy,” “investment” and “competent leadership,” none of which can be activated with a friendly blue-glowing button labeled “Fix Economy Now.” But that apparently hasn’t stopped Starmer from aimlessly jabbing at his laptop keyboard in hope that something, anything, will trigger an economic miracle.
A desperate Starmer was last seen in Downing Street yelling at a chatbot: “Alexa, grow the economy, please!” at which point Alexa politely suggested he raise wages, end corporate tax loopholes, and invest in sustainable industries. Starmer reportedly groaned, “Do I have to?” before shutting off the device.
