Apple Shocks World by Barely Making More Money Than Anyone Could Ever Spend in a Lifetime
Apple, a struggling mom-and-pop tech startup barely scraping by, reported an unimpressive $124.30 billion in revenue, causing investors to sigh heavily and shake their heads in disgust. The earnings, which only beat expectations by a miserable fraction, sent stockbrokers spiraling into existential crises as they wondered if Apple, one of the most ludicrously profitable companies on Planet Earth, might—gasp—be losing its edge.
“We’re deeply concerned,” said financial analyst Mark Greaves, wiping away a single tear while staring at a yacht catalog. “Only a few billion in spare change above estimates? Might as well be bankruptcy court.”
A major pain point remains iPhone sales in China, where consumers somehow think they don’t need to upgrade their already perfectly fine iPhones to a nearly identical model every 12 months. Whispers in finance circles suggest that Chinese buyers may finally be catching on that “brand-new” means “a camera that’s 0.2% better, a color they didn’t ask for, and an extra feature designed to drain your battery faster.”
Adding to Apple’s woes, its ambitious dive into artificial intelligence has been… let’s say, interesting. Apple’s new “Apple Intelligence” software—whose entire job is to be smart—has so far demonstrated the decision-making prowess of a goldfish. Early adopters reported the AI randomly making dinner reservations 500 miles away, setting users’ wake-up alarms for 3 AM with no way to turn them off, and casually gaslighting people by insisting John F. Kennedy invented Bluetooth.
CEO Tim Cook, in an act of bravery unseen since Steve Jobs decided to remove headphone jacks just to watch the world burn, brushed off concerns. “We are pioneers at Apple,” Cook declared. “We believe in innovation, in courage, and most importantly, in getting people to buy the same thing over and over.”
Meanwhile, Apple investors, somehow still not satisfied bathing in their unimaginable oceans of cash, are anxiously awaiting more crucial updates, including whether the next iPhone will finally add a “breaks less easily when dropped from two feet” feature or whether Apple’s AI will evolve enough to stop trying to email your grandmother gibberish in the middle of the night.
Until then, the world watches in suspense, waiting to see if Apple will manage to eke out another couple billion dollars in “disappointing” revenue next quarter.
