SoftBank Throws Entire Wallet at OpenAI, Hopes to Achieve God-Like Tech Dominance
In a move best described as “financial peacocking,” Japanese investment group SoftBank is reportedly gearing up to hurl an eye-watering $25 billion at OpenAI, the creators of ChatGPT, signaling their official transition from a tech investment firm to an entity that just buys the future outright.
SoftBank, whose past investments have ranged from slightly questionable to full-blown financial kamikaze missions, is apparently considering dropping somewhere between $15 billion and $25 billion on OpenAI, presumably because someone at the board realized they didn’t own enough of humanity’s remaining free will.
“This deal positions us as the biggest financial backers of the people teaching computers how to gaslight humans into thinking they’re intelligent,” said an anonymous SoftBank executive, adjusting their monocle. “We figured, if we can’t beat the AI overlords, we might as well fund them.”
The move has raised eyebrows across Silicon Valley, partially because $25 billion is more money than some entire countries have, but largely because SoftBank’s previous investments have led to spectacular implosions, with WeWork serving as their most infamous fireball. “Ah yes, SoftBank,” laughed one venture capitalist, choking on his oat milk latte. “They’re playing financial roulette again, I see.”
While details of the negotiations are unclear, what is clear is that SoftBank remains dedicated to its signature investment strategy: throwing obscene amounts of money at tech startups and praying that at least one of them doesn’t evaporate overnight. If successful, this investment will make SoftBank the largest financial supporter of the AI company, ensuring they have a front-row seat when artificial intelligence inevitably replaces every job except “billionaire investor.”
At press time, an OpenAI spokesperson was reportedly ecstatic about the deal, noting, “With this money, we can accelerate research and make AI even more powerful! Or at least afford a few more overpriced ping-pong tables in the office.”
