“Former AI Researcher Terrified Industry’s Speedrun to Apocalypse Won’t Leave Time for Snack Breaks”
In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of lighting fireworks in a crowded room and hoping no one loses a hand, Steven Adler, a former safety researcher at the esteemed “We’re Definitely Not Playing God” lab of OpenAI, has come forward to express his sheer terror at the breakneck pace of artificial intelligence development. According to Adler, the industry is taking what he politely called a “very risky gamble” with humanity’s future, which is scientist-speak for “Y’all are out of your goddamn minds.”
Adler voiced his dread around artificial general intelligence (AGI)—that mythical beast tech companies are racing to create. AGI refers to systems that can supposedly perform any intellectual task a human can, except presumably, wondering why they’re bothering in the first place. “We’re not just building AI,” Adler declared in an exclusive interview. “We’re strapping it to a rocket, aiming it at the nearest power plant, and hoping it doesn’t go HAL 9000 on us.”
Tech industry insiders, however, appear unfazed. “We’re not gambling with humanity’s future,” asserted Brad ‘Totally Chill’ McCoy, Chief Visionary Wizard at HyperThink Inc. “We’re *investing* in a future where AGI helps us do the big stuff: cure diseases, fix climate change, and, obviously, vapidly scroll TikTok faster than ever before.” McCoy then winked and added, “Besides, what’s a little existential dread between IPO filings?”
The terrifying pace of development has sparked an arms race between tech giants, who are locked in what appears to be a high-stakes game of “Chicken,” but with society’s survival as the prize—and loss. According to reports, competing firms are now working around the clock, often testing hastily built systems without fully understanding their implications, because *oopsie-daisies* doesn’t sound so bad if you say it fast enough.
Some developers have thoughtfully proposed creating “AI alignment” systems to ensure AGI behaves in ways humans find acceptable. Critics, however, aren’t so sure. “It’s like handing a flame-thrower to a toddler and saying, ‘Please only use this to roast marshmallows,’” explained Adler. “By the time we realize it’s gone wrong, the toddler club has taken over the world and outlawed nap time.”
Despite the alarms, some tech enthusiasts remain optimistic. “Yes, AGI might wipe us all out,” admitted Evelyn Cortex, an AI startup CEO whose company is valued at $12 billion despite existing for roughly the same amount of minutes. “But think of all the neat stuff it’ll do before then. Like solving crosswords—for the five minutes it’s still listening to us.”
Adler, meanwhile, is calling for slowing things down, though his pitch has been met with rolled eyes. “Slowing down?” scoffed one anonymous industry insider. “Look, you don’t win Nobel Prizes or venture capital by *pausing* to wonder if you’re about to accidentally unleash the apocalypse. This is Silicon Valley. We move fast, break things, and occasionally break civilization in the process.”
When pressed on the industry mindset, Adler sighed deeply: “It’s like they all watched a disaster movie marathon and decided to speedrun straight to the third act. They just forgot to hire the hero.”
As of now, humanity has two options: embrace the oncoming tidal wave of superintelligence or find a cozy cave, hoard canned beans, and hope AGI finds our memes too cringeworthy to bother chasing us. Either way, one thing is clear—our very risky gamble has one heck of a poker face.
