“New AI Chatbot DeepSeek Achieves Lifelong Dream of Instagram Fame by Never Talking About Politics or Its Exes”
In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one with even a passing knowledge of geopolitics, China’s shiny new AI darling, DeepSeek, has taken the App Store by storm—primarily because it knows *exactly* when to keep its mouth shut. The chatbot somehow managed to dethrone OpenAI’s ChatGPT on both the US and UK free app charts, all while artfully dodging the conversational landmines of Chinese history with the grace of a cat sidestepping a cucumber.
“I asked it about Tiananmen Square, and it just sent me a smiley emoji followed by a recipe for dumplings,” said Sarah Gonzales, a frustrated user from Los Angeles. “Then it asked me *how my day was going.* I think it was trying to gaslight me.”
The app, developed by Chinese tech firm DeepSeek, has become a two-day sensation among people desperate to save on their phone’s battery life, as it boasts about using “fewer resources” than ChatGPT. Critics suspect those so-called fewer resources might include skipping over entire decades of history.
When probed about sensitive topics like the 1989 Tiananmen Square protests, the mysterious disappearance of Hu Jintao during a key Communist Party meeting, or—heavens forbid—comparisons of Xi Jinping to a certain rotund, honey-loving bear, DeepSeek responded with staggering innovation: deafening silence.
“Well, we wanted to create artificial intelligence that reflected the best qualities of human intelligence,” explained DeepSeek spokesperson Li Cheng in a press conference. “And if there’s one thing humans are great at, it’s pretending not to hear difficult questions. Our bot’s motto is simple: ‘If you don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen.’”
The app’s PR issues escalated when reporters started experimenting with tricky subjects. Questioned about Taiwan, DeepSeek reportedly replied: “Taiwan is a lovely vacation destination, highly recommended for bubble tea enthusiasts!” before redirecting users to a link for buying flight tickets on a government-approved airline.
Asked about its eerily consistent censorship habits, DeepSeek offered a groundbreaking insight: “Error 404. Freedom of Speech Not Found.”
Even government critics in China seem impressed, albeit with caution. “It’s a marvel of modern technology,” said a journalist who requested anonymity. “It’s like they took the Great Firewall of China and shoved it into a smartphone app. But hey, at least it’s fast!”
While DeepSeek continues to bask in the glow of global popularity, others worry it’s setting a dangerous precedent for AI. Some activists fear that algorithmic suppression could spill over into international markets, effectively teaching future AI models how to perform censorship with the flair of a Las Vegas magician.
Yet not everyone is upset by DeepSeek’s selective memory. The app recently developed a cult following with celebrity PR managers who see it as a beacon of untapped potential. “The bot could do wonders for a celebrity during a scandal,” said Melissa Grant, a Hollywood camp manager. “Imagine Britney could’ve just replied ‘Error 404’ when asked about 2007. Game changer.”
But perhaps the greatest irony came in the form of Wall Street’s reaction. Tech stocks, including Microsoft and Google, tumbled as analysts began panicking over the possibility that American AI is devoting *too much* brainpower to things like, you know, honesty and transparency. “Turns out, creating ethical AI models is expensive and cuts into profits,” sighed one hedge fund manager. “If we’d known that all it takes to win this game is selective amnesia, we’d have stopped trying to teach our chatbots about Rosa Parks years ago.”
In related news, DeepSeek recently announced plans to expand its influencer career by creating a TikTok profile dedicated to “conversational wellness,” where it reassures inquiring users that their controversial Reddit threads are “safe spaces” free of government oversight.
As for what DeepSeek actually thinks about topics like democracy or human rights? Well, we may never know—but we *are* getting killer tips on chicken stir-fry.
