“Elton John and Paul McCartney Heroically Defend Copyright Laws Like It’s 1973—Demand Millennials Put Down Spotify and Start Buying Records Again”
In a shocking turn of events, two of music’s most legendary icons—Sir Elton “Rocketman” John and Sir Paul “I Wrote Yesterday, Bow to Me” McCartney—have decided that the 21st century has gone too damn far with its love affair for technology. The duo is now passionately campaigning against proposed reforms to the UK copyright system that could possibly, maybe, hypothetically allow tech companies to make life a little bit easier by having better access to artistic works for artificial…er…uh…mostly harmless purposes.
“This is a bloody outrage!” exclaimed Sir Elton from what appeared to be a gold-plated sofa shaped like a piano—or a piano shaped like a sofa, no one’s entirely sure anymore. “Copyright is the *absolute bedrock* of artistic prosperity! Without it, where would I be? Still wearing sequins? Outrageous hats? Well, yes, but that’s beside the point.”
The controversial bill in question, creatively dubbed the “Data (Use and Access) Bill,” aims to modernize UK copyright laws to accommodate cutting-edge technology. But naturally, Sir Elton and Sir Paul interpret this as a declaration of war on songwriters, performers, and, judging by their statements, humanity itself.
“It’s not just the music they’re after,” McCartney told reporters, speaking directly from his private villa, surrounded by enough Grammy awards to bluntly arm an entire militia. “It’s the *soul*! They’ll steal the soul of music! What’s next? AI-generated Beatlemania? A hologram of me doing interviews with Oprah?” McCartney paused, then grimaced. “Actually, scratch that. No one give them ideas.”
The two knights of nostalgia have called for a complete overhaul of the proposed bill, demanding it includes new rules to ensure tech companies don’t “ride roughshod” over copyright protections. Roughshod. That’s how the kids describe it these days, right?
“You give these tech folks an inch, and they take Abbey Road,” said Elton, who is rumored to have bought extra sunglasses just for this fight. “What’s next? An algorithm that writes better love ballads than me? Oh wait, spoiler alert—*they can’t*.”
Critics, however, argue that McCartney and John’s disdain for the bill may have less to do with the plight of up-and-coming musicians scraping together rent money on Spotify royalties and more to do with the fragile egos of a couple of septuagenarians who probably still think TiVo is a magical invention nobody appreciates enough.
“Look,” said Ethan Millennialson, a 22-year-old computer science student who was vaguely aware of Elton John’s existence through his parents’ old CD collection. “No offense, but my phone writes better haikus than the last Coldplay album. If AI makes creative stuff we actually want to hear, is that such a bad thing? I’m not exactly out here craving Paul McCartney’s ‘Songs for the Great-Grandkids’ EP.”
But John and McCartney are having none of that. After all, in their eyes, technological progress is just a sneaky way of saying, “How can we erase Elton’s entire discography and replace it with AI-generated remixes featuring Dua Lipa and a beat drop?”
By Wednesday, they’ll take their fight directly to the House of Lords, a room that arguably hasn’t heard this much passion since the last discussion about outdated moats. Fully intending to “protect artists’ livelihoods,” McCartney has prepared a heartfelt speech, and Elton plans to punctuate the proceedings by dramatically slamming down a pair of bedazzled reading glasses.
And who could forget the moment John let loose during an impromptu interview: “I’ll tell you what. If AI wants to learn from us musicians, let it pay for a ticket to a farewell tour concert like everyone else. And no, it doesn’t get a backstage pass.”
In the meantime, Gen Z seems to be taking all of this in stride, reacting in their usual fashion by collectively shrugging and making TikToks about McCartney yelling at clouds.
When asked if they had a solution for young musicians struggling to scrape by in a world of minuscule streaming royalties, Elton replied, “They should consider wearing glitter. Worked for me.”
All in all, it’s good to see two rock legends standing their ground—fighting for the rights of musicians everywhere not to be overshadowed by machines…unless, you know, it’s a really good David Guetta remix.
