Zuckerberg’s $65 Billion AI Plan: Finally Giving Manhattan a Run For Its Overpriced Real Estate
In a move that screams “bigger is always better,” Meta’s CEO and part-time competitive sunscreen wearer Mark Zuckerberg has dropped a casual $65 billion plan to create an AI utopia—or perhaps just a giant computer nerd fortress—that could cover a significant chunk of Manhattan. Because when tackling AI, why not also one-up Big Apple real estate moguls by laying claim to the virtual equivalent of Times Square?
The plan involves deploying enough GPU power to make even Bitcoin miners weep, amounting to a godlike 1.3 million GPUs by year’s end. “We’ll essentially be turning Manhattan into a motherboard,” Zuckerberg announced, reportedly while chiseling his own face onto the side of a server. “If New York can make it there, so can AI.”
The $65 billion expenditure—approximately equal to the GDP of small nations and Bezos’ pocket change—marks a 70% jump from last year. Zuckerberg justified the astronomical budget by predicting that Meta AI would soon have one billion users. Because clearly, that’s the only logical response to criticism like “Nobody asked for this.”
The irony, of course, lies in the fact that while Zuckerberg is building a computer empire the size of Central Park, China’s AI researchers have been achieving similar results on what amounts to a student lunch budget. Instead of billions, Chinese models allegedly train on setups so modest they could run on the same outlets used to charge your phone at Starbucks.
“Look, anyone can buy a fancy new car,” quipped Meta’s head of AI development, Chad GPT (no relation to OpenAI). “We’re building an entire interstate system for self-driving Teslas that nobody asked for. Because that’s vision.”
Critics note that these billion-dollar AI competitions are starting to look more like an elite dick-measuring contest than meaningful progress. “While Zuck flexes his stat sheet of GPUs, what are we doing? Trying to figure out how to make rent,” said Manhattan artist-turned-meme-creator Brooklyn Bob. “Cool use of resources, dude.”
On the bright side, this project might give Manhattan something it’s never had before: reliable infrastructure. A post-announcement analysis indicated that the planned datacenter might accidentally solve longstanding issues plaguing the city’s subways—provided nobody minds catching a ride on an AI-driven, GPU-powered underground cable.
Still, not everyone is thrilled. Representatives of pigeons, already Manhattan’s unofficial mascots, have filed grievances about potential evictions. “Where are we supposed to perch when all the real estate belongs to Zuckerberg and his precious Llama models?” asked one feathered protestor via poop attack on Meta headquarters.
In response to environmental criticisms, Zuckerberg promised the datacenter would be sustainable, stating, “We’ll use eco-friendly energy to power this monstrosity. Manhattan might brown out every now and then, but that’s a small price to pay for progress.”
Meanwhile, AI enthusiasts are preparing to make pilgrimages to Zuckerberg’s Manhattan-based Silicon Nirvana, though some worry their jobs will be among the first casualties of the AI takeover. “It’s bad enough I already deliver Uber Eats to datacenters,” admitted one NYC resident. “Now I have to compete with a GPU that doesn’t need bathroom breaks?”
As Meta and OpenAI duke it out in what is essentially an Arms Race for Nerd Supremacy™️, the rest of us can only watch with awe, confusion, and the occasional existential panic. What’s next? A Zuckerberg moonbase for AI operations by 2030? A reality show featuring his datacenter running for Mayor of Manhattan? Only time—and unfathomable amounts of venture capital—will tell.
