Bored Billionaire Takes Break From Rocket Launching To Rebrand Toxic Social Media As “World Domination Lite”
In today’s edition of “What Will Elon Musk Do Next to Remind Us He Owns Earth?”, the rocket-riding, meme-prizing tech overlord found himself dodging yet another PR disaster after a rumored far-right salute at Donald Trump’s latest “Look, I’m Still Relevant!” inauguration ceremony. Musk, who has approximately $400 billion rattling around in his cargo shorts, denies *literally everything* – a tried-and-true defense strategy for billionaires who’ve transcended mortal concepts like accountability.
“Look, I wasn’t saluting anything except free speech!” Musk reportedly mumbled between bites of a $12,000 gold-leaf burrito. “And maybe the algorithm. I salute it every morning.”
In the wake of the controversy, critics are once again asking how we let a 52-year-old Reddit comment section come to hold the reins of global discourse: the answer, as always, is “with absolutely no foresight or guardrails.” Despite hemorrhaging Twitter users faster than SpaceX explodes test rockets, Musk’s platform, now awkwardly branded “X” (a name rejected by at least nine 2001 high school garage bands), still controls what billions of human eyeballs devour daily.
“His rebranding effort is bold, really,” said fictional brand consultant Patti Cringe. “By naming his platform after what you write when you’re not sure how to end a sext, he’s bringing clarity back to global conversation.”
Critics, meanwhile, say Musk has relentlessly supported the kind of “free speech” that looks suspiciously like your drunk uncle’s Facebook feed after Thanksgiving dinner. Far-right rallies? No problem. Nazi memes? Welcome. Actual accountability? Sorry, the Wi-Fi’s down.
But Musk staunchly denies enabling extremism. “It’s all just memes, man,” he cooed, inexplicably lounging on a literal pile of cryptocurrency. “People confuse bad ideas with freedom. It’s their fault if they take me seriously. I’m just a vibes guy!”
Many have called on global democracies to rein in Musk’s unchecked god complex before he turns “X” into Skynet, but politicians seem split on the matter. “He’s very dangerous!” exclaimed one exasperated MP. “But also, have you *seen* the resale value on a Tesla? Let’s not rush things.”
Meanwhile, the internet continues debating whether it’s safe to let one man—and his emotions—dictate the ebb and flow of modern civilization. Musk, of course, remains unfazed. “If I wanted to control people,” he tweeted from his gold-plated toilet, “I’d buy Twitter. Wait. Oh…”
Truly, democracy never saw this plotline coming.
