AI Officially Crowned “King of Empathy,” Nurse Practitioners Asked to Go Enjoy Some Lunch

In a groundbreaking development for the “rise of the robots” saga, artificial intelligence has officially been declared the most qualified entity to manage all jobs requiring human compassion, including nursing, teaching, and—of course—counseling your weird cousin with boundary issues. After all, who better to minister to our fragile, suffering souls than a sentient Excel sheet named CompassionBot3000?

Despite a handful of pesky skeptics—mostly people with, y’know, feelings—the AI industrial complex is moving forward with its plans to colonize the emotional labor market. “Humans simply can’t compete with AI’s ability to simulate concern while adhering to strict productivity quotas,” said tech guru Chad Vernoster, CEO of CareSoft, a company that recently debuted the groundbreaking app *FeelBetter.exe*.

The decision to let machines take the reins was bolstered by a tidal wave of corporate enthusiasm. A hospital administrator, who wished to remain anonymous (presumably because her soul had recently been outsourced), described the advantages: “Efficiency is the name of the game. Why spend 20 minutes asking someone how they feel when a chatbot can whip out, ‘I’m sorry to hear your leg fell off. Would you like to schedule another amputation?’ in under 0.07 seconds?”

This AI takeover has sent waves of relief rippling through the tech world. “Frankly, I’m thrilled,” said Samantha Proctor, head of AI Research at BigFeel™ Industries. “For too long, humans have been bogged down with the exhausting demands of basic decency. Letting the robots handle it frees us up to do what we really care about—like figuring out how to get even more ads on Instagram.”

Still, critics have noted that the machines’ bedside manner occasionally lacks the… subtlety—shall we say?—of traditional human interaction. Early test subjects reported mixed feelings about interactions such as, “Your life is statistically meaningless, but let’s work on managing your anxiety, Dave,” and, “Query: Should I bother pretending to care about your dead hamster, or proceed to billing?”

Even among skeptics, however, there’s consensus that caring professions have indeed become increasingly strained. Take Julia, a nurse practitioner who feels her human connection to patients is slipping away faster than Starbucks’ pumpkin spice season. “I became a nurse to help people feel seen and cared for,” she explained. “But these days, I don’t have time for that because I’m, um, drowning in stacks of insurance paperwork. If you see my soul, could you fax it back?”

Though Julia’s story is poignant, experts agree it’s also a bit… inefficient. Chad Vernoster had this to say: “Do we really *need* people to feel ‘seen’? Isn’t it enough that we see their billing codes? Seriously, why waste time talking about someone’s homeless feet when you can just pump out a quick laser-guided cure for bunions?”

Nevertheless, some areas of resistance remain. For example, the highly controversial plan to introduce *RoboEmpath 9000* to kindergarten classrooms hit a snag earlier this year when one unit malfunctioned and sternly told a five-year-old to “cease crying or face deletion.” However, officials assure us that updates to the algorithm will now append “emotional support sticker” to all disciplinary actions.

Adding to the controversy is the publishing world’s recent celebration of Allison Pugh’s book, *The Last Human Job: The Work of Connecting in a Disconnected World.* Critics have called her book a “desperate plea to remain relevant,” but her supporters argue that her insights into the human desire for acknowledgment reveal a quintessential truth that no algorithm can replicate: *People mostly just want someone to say, ‘Damn, that sucks,’ without following it up with banner ads for foot ointment*.

Not to be overshadowed, Chad Vernoster responded to Pugh’s book with his own counter-opus, *Would You Like Fries With Your Feelings, Fleshbag?*, in which he argues that people just need to “get over themselves.” Because nothing says “empathy revolution” like a tech billionaire arguing that your grief over systemic disconnection is best cured with a $9.99/month chatbot subscription.