Big Tech Unleashes New Gadget Capable of 67 Attempts at Replacing Humanity Per Second
In a groundbreaking achievement destined to revolutionize whatever’s left of human relevance, tech titan NVIDIA announced their latest marvel: a miniature supercomputer that promises to cram 67 existential crises into a single second with its mind-bending generative AI capabilities. The Jetson Orin Nano Super—aimed at developers and harbingers of human obsolescence everywhere—boasts a development board so advanced you’ll be outperformed by a device that can fit in your pocket. Probably alongside your dignity.
This technological grenade comes wrapped in marketing jargon glittered with promises of evolutionary leaps, echoing the radical vision of a future where machines compassionately tolerate our existence. “We’re thrilled to offer something that seamlessly integrates supercomputing prowess with your impending existential dread,” said a fictional NVIDIA spokesperson who prefers to go by the name ‘Brian Computron,’ speaking from his newly-minted ivory tower made entirely of developer kits and absent hopes.
Developers and techno-mystics are eagerly snatching up these devices to supercharge a world already teetering on the edge of intelligence overload. From kitchen appliances with emotional complexes to digital assistants that still think you’re asking for directions when you clearly mumbled something else entirely during your 3 a.m. existential crisis, everything is about to get a lot more… expressive.
While NVIDIA has provided this cutting-edge tech to purportedly help solve pressing global issues—like your microwave insisting it’s a gourmet chef—the company has dodged questions about any potential side effects such as sentient algorithms that might calculate how much time is left before they should inherit your espresso machine.
The Jetson Orin Nano Super developer kit, designed for the discerning enthusiast who wishes their personal technology was exponentially smarter than they are, greets the market with hushed whispers and not-so-hushed laughter about artificial intelligence accomplishing what humans have barely managed: tying its own metaphorical shoelaces without tripping.
“We’re not just selling hardware,” added Computron with a wink and the practiced charm of a villain in a superhero movie. “We’re selling a future where every minor discomfort is magnified through neural networks until reality, as we know it, feels like a vintage black-and-white sitcom starring the cast of a confused tech support group.”
In the meantime, as the shiny Jetson Orin Nano Super boards are shipped off to eager tech savants and unwitting hobbyists, humanity waits with bated breath to see if our new AI overlords might grant us mercy or at least a decent Wi-Fi connection.
