MIT Student Lara Ozkan Wins “Unicorn Acquisition” Scholarship; Heads to UK to Prove She’s Human

In a dazzling display of academic perfection and superhuman multitasking skills, MIT senior Lara Ozkan from Oradell, New Jersey, has been crowned with the prestigious Marshall Scholarship. This esteemed recognition, funded by the British government, gives brainiacs a passport to the land of crumpets and Cambridge, intending to discover if true geniuses prefer tea over coffee.

With the grace and finesse of a multitasking octopus, Ozkan has managed to juggle more prestigious titles than everyone else in Oradell combined. “We are thrilled to ship Lara off to the U.K., where she can make us proud from 3,000 miles away,” oozes Kim Benard, the associate dean of distinguished fellowships at MIT, who reportedly had to Google ‘multitasking octopus’ for inspiration.

Ozkan, currently dabbling in computer science, molecular biology, and possibly interdimensional physics, plans to pursue a shopping spree of degrees across the pond. First in line: an MPhil in biological science at Cambridge University’s Sanger Institute, followed by something just as casual like a master’s in AI and machine learning at Imperial College London. Word on the street is she crafts actionable plans to revolutionize women’s health using AI because curing diseases before caffeine is just another Tuesday for her.

Before gracing MIT with her luminescent prowess, Lara was in cahoots with Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, possibly solving crimes involving DNA and computer algorithms. At MIT, she split her atoms between breast cancer research, AI ethics scriptwriting, and secretly controlling a researcher army in the Media Lab’s Conformable Decoders group. The MIT Susan Hockfield Prize in Life Sciences was just another shiny trinket in her academic jewelry box.

Her extracurricular kingdom also includes presiding over MIT Capital Partners and Sloan Business Club—essentially owning all MIT commerce from dorm to dining hall. And because sleep is for the boring, she ships out blocks of time to teach middle-school girls the ways of the computer science Jedi and plays life mentor at Camp Kesem for kids with parents affected by cancer.

Rumors have it that Lara Ozkan might actually be an advanced AI program created by professors who just wanted to prank the faculty board. As she packs her bags, her dreams, and possibly some clones, MIT waves her off hoping she’ll alter a few British institutions with her serious case of competence.