Employee Exodus Turns UK’s AI Think Tank Into Glorified Coffee Club, Says AI Named Chad
In a stunning revelation that shocked precisely no one, more than 90 employees at the Alan Turing Institute have bravely come forward to state the obvious: their beloved center for AI research is spiraling into chaos that even an AI couldn’t predict. It’s reportedly trading its sterling reputation for some career-killing cost-cutting measures.
An ambitious but tragically misguided management strategy has seemingly birthed a real-world experiment in the question, “How little staff does it take before we can’t call it a staff meeting?” According to a group letter addressed to the institute’s board of trustees — presumably written on digital parchment with quills — the departure of senior staffers is like watching the Avengers movie with all the superheroes edited out.
The letter, said to have taken the entire remaining HR department 457 attempts to co-write on Google Docs due to continuous server errors, warns of a chaotic environment resembling “a poorly run chess tournament where all the knights are missing,” said one fictional spokesperson.
“The institute’s rapid turn toward redundancy seems to be a cutting-edge effort to train AI systems in what not to do with human resources,” said a random passing AI named Chad. “We’re learning lots about human inefficiency. Fascinating stuff,” it added with programmed optimism.
Inside sources suggest this could be a new strategy altogether — perhaps an experimental approach to AI funded entirely by bake sales and loose change found in sofa cushions. Unconfirmed reports say management is considering a daring shift toward AI-led mindfulness workshops that have nothing to do with actual science but may slightly improve team morale.
Meanwhile, a non-existent survey shows 98% of remaining staff are wondering, “Can an institute focused on intelligence actually demonstrate some of it?” The letter hints that if the downward trajectory continues, the institute’s cafeteria’s free biscuit selection might soon become the only redeemable perk, leading to a surge in applications from local pigeons.
In what can only be described as a plot twist worthy of a bad sitcom, whispers around the proverbial water cooler suggest the Institute might soon resemble a lonely coffee club, complete with AI-operated cappuccino machines that paradoxically require manual operation.
Whether the Alan Turing Institute can pull off a remarkable pivot or just continue confirming stereotypes about government-backed projects remains to be seen. For now, at least Chad the AI gets to laugh with — or possibly at — humanity.
