Breaking News: Energy Drinks Now Officially Main Source of Startups—Entrepreneurs Just Caffeine-Fueled Hallucinations

In an unprecedented revelation that has left the business world quivering in its caffeinated boots, it appears that the true wellspring of startups is not the effervescent blend of ideas and entrepreneurial zeal, but rather the relentless flow of taurine-laden beverages.

This myth-busting insight arose from a conversation initiated by Red Bull, the beverage that’s been actively convincing humans to hurl themselves off cliffs for decades. In a shockingly serious endeavor to boost innovation, Red Bull approached the business-oriented minds at The Next Web to join hands in what can only be described as a corporate crossover of epic proportions. “We realized we have more in common than just keeping people on the edge of having a stroke,” confessed Red Bull spokesperson Thor Speedman, who paused briefly to do multiple backflips out of sheer habit.

In an attempt to justify this unorthodox union, sources claim the marriage of tech and taurine is as natural as an app update that breaks more features than it fixes. “Startups, you see, indeed mirror extreme sports,” elaborated marketing guru Wendy Hyperdrive. “Both require fearless leaps into the unknown, often from irrationally high places.”

As Red Bull announced its innovation competition with a straight face, the message was clear: The next Steve Jobs or Elon Musk will undoubtedly be launched not from a garage but from a rabbit hole of jittery, fuel-induced decision-making. The beverage titan believes it will churn out the next generation of founders, those brave souls caffeinated enough to believe building a startup is not just work, but an extreme sport—complete with spins, flips, and inevitable crashes.

Critics have raised eyebrows so high they may need medical attention. “Are we really trusting business startups to be mentored by a company best known for putting people in wingsuits?” inquired skeptical entrepreneur and water enthusiast Cedric Calmwater. “What’s next? Moonshine for moonshots?”

In stark contrast, startup aficionados are reportedly over the moon—or could it be a caffeine high—about this collaboration. “Finally, the respect we deserve!” exclaimed hyperaccelerated developer Pixel Buzzington, twirling like a high-speed office chair. “All these years we’ve been critiqued for our unhealthy work habits, and now it’s finally trendy! Mom, get the camera!”

The Red Bull-entrepreneur coalition hopes to cultivate an environment where sleeping is considered an outdated practice and productivity is measured by the number of empty cans at one’s feet.

As the hallucination-fueled dreams of entrepreneurs everywhere continue to take flight, the world watches in earnest—clutching their decaf nervously—because who needs logic when you have the wings of innovation strapped onto the back of an energy drink can?