Global CEOs Flock to Hire Chief AI Officers, Expecting Miraculous AI-Driven Profits by 2025, or Possibly Sooner if AI Learns to Time Travel
In a breathtakingly bold move reminiscent of a Hollywood blockbuster, Dell has issued a clarion call for APAC enterprises to crown Chief AI Officers (CAIOs) as the new monarchs of corporate hierarchies. These venerated AI gurus are apparently the missing puzzle piece in the grand odyssey towards unbelievable AI profits—because, of course, that’s always been the stumbling block.
“It’s truly a visionary strategy,” said Richard Byte, a fictitious tech analyst with presumably infinite wisdom. “The idea of AI-guided ROI, with AI teaching us the true meaning of synergy and teamwork, frankly, it’s right out of science fiction—next thing you know, these guys will be running marathons on cloud servers.”
APAC companies are now scrambling to comply, trying to find people who can spell AI, let alone comprehend its inner secrets. However, there aren’t enough qualified CAIOs to go around, leading to job postings hilariously demanding qualifications like ‘mind-reading capabilities’ and ‘must love data more than humans.’
“By 2025, we expect AI to do our work, think our thoughts, and maybe even legally adopt us,” quipped a Dell representative, hiding behind a gigantic server rack. “Our model predicts profits so high you’ll only need Excel to reach the International Space Station.”
Adopting a top-down AI strategy, enterprises now believe, is as essential as the quest for eternal youth or finding a parking spot right next to the entrance. Boardrooms everywhere are clearing space for a new throne—preferably one made of recycled coding manuals—where their new CAI Emperor will conjure digital miracles.
Critics, those eternal party-poopers, have questioned this imperial initiative. “Appointing AI Czars could just result in more data scientists locked in basement cubicles, subsisting on vending machine rations while they ask AI for the meaning of life,” said technological curmudgeon, Sally Bug, with unerring pessimism.
Convinced of a utopian ROI waterfall, these delusional hopes verge on religious fervor. “We project this ROI to cure common colds, improve the average golf swing, and, fingers crossed, teach my grandmother to use a smartphone,” said an overenthusiastic yet unnamed CAIO applicant.
Indeed, as enterprises march towards 2025 in this AI-led crusade, we can only watch with popcorn in hand, eagerly awaiting the day AI achieves its ultimate goal: convincing us all that AI was a really good idea in the first place.
