In a Monumental Leap Toward Futuristic Governance, Trump Appoints Cash-Infused Podcaster as AI & Crypto Big Boss
In a groundbreaking attempt to redefine the classic job interview process, Donald Trump has astounded political theorists and late-night talk show hosts alike by appointing former PayPal mastermind and professional conversationalist, David Sacks, as his AI and cryptocurrency czar. Sources say that the decision was less about qualifications and more about an Olympian-sized ability to throw money at the president’s campaign coffers—or possibly, it was his impeccably styled hair.
Sacks, a Silicon Valley luminary with direct cabana access to Elon Musk’s portfolio, has pivoted his career once again, jumping from helping people pay digitally to spearheading America’s leap into a digitally chaotic, yet lucrative, future. “I’m genuinely honored to lead in two areas critical to ensuring America’s compete… I mean, complete monopoly,” stated Sacks at a press conference held at an undisclosed but undeniably opulent location. “Just like during my time at PayPal, I’ll ensure everyone gets rich—including myself, obviously.”
The position wasn’t filled via the traditional hiring method of applications and interviews; rather, it seems Sacks’s impeccable timing to hold a $300,000-a-head fundraiser at his San Francisco mansion was the career boost even LinkedIn couldn’t foresee. The event—widely dubbed as “The Great Fatherland Fundraiser Fling”—managed to rake in an eye-watering $12 million, proving that good things come not to those who wait, but to those who party like 1899 and write six-zero checks.
In a biting stroke of irony, political insiders joked that the term “czar” was used because no one could spell or pronounce the original title accurately without bursting into laughter. “We needed someone who can not only lead but also function as a walking Menlo Park ATM,” commented a White House staffer who preferred to stay anonymous to avoid being transformed into an NFT.
Critics and comedy clubs nationwide remain sceptical. “This is nothing more than an elaborate episode of ‘Survivor: Political Donation Edition’,” remarked a D.C. analyst with no discernible sense of humor. But as Sacks himself allegedly quipped, “In the world of AI and crypto, actual qualifications are as relevant as an AOL dial-up.”
The appointment underscores Trump’s ingenious methodology: why settle for resumes when you can simply award power in the most capitalist manner possible? As we boldly strut into this new currency-driven dystopia, one thing’s for sure—what the future lacks in certainty, it more than makes up for in outrageous, star-studded galas.
