Study Reveals Earth-Shattering Discovery That Surfing Negative Content Online Actually Bums You Out
In a groundbreaking revelation that has stunned precisely zero people, a recent MIT study has unveiled the shocking fact that regularly browsing doom-laden content on the internet might—brace yourselves—make you feel worse. This seismic news, which has turned the scientific community on its head, has scientists gleefully exclaiming, “We can’t believe people actually paid us to figure this one out!”
The researchers, in a fit of groundbreaking innovation, developed a web plug-in aptly named “Digital Diet,” to help people avoid the internet’s equivalent of a greasy cheeseburger. “Think of it as a Crisco-coated filter for your negative mentally-frappéd web surfing experience,” stated study co-author Dr. Tali Sharot, who has spent countless hours in her lab attempting to fathom why ‘clicking on sad things makes you sad’ needed scientific validation.
“We discovered this revolutionary feedback loop where people already feeling crummy tend to binge on fear-inducing content,” explained Christopher A. Kelly, adeptly summarizing what most of us have known since the dawn of the World Wide Angst. “It’s like opening a can of depression Pringles—once you pop, the self-loathing don’t stop.”
The methodically-constructed study observed over 1,000 bewildered souls, meticulously steering them down the path of doom-filled news sites and existential dread forums. Predictably, post-browsing, participants reported feeling like they’d spent an afternoon in a piñata filled with existential dread, before returning for yet another masochistic serving of online misery masques, thus directing all roads of negativity to hell.
Participants blessed with the Digital Diet’s subtle “feel better” and “feel worse” labels, ostensibly for those who couldn’t discern a video titled “7 Reasons the World is Near its End” might be a bummer, showed somewhat improved mood outcomes, but alas, could still be spotted searching for more videos of puppies to giggle into the void.
“We hope our tool might function as a beacon of light in the dank wasteland of online negativity,” added Kelly, thoughtfully aiming to combat this digital black hole of despondency that suspiciously resembles a regular Tuesday afternoon Twitter experience.
Indeed, with such profound leaps in cognitive science, one must wonder where we’d be without this particular revelation. As future iterations of their invention may include features like “Turn Your Phone Off And Go Outside,” society awaits baited breath. Stay tuned as the team considers their next great challenge—figuring out if yelling at traffic worsens your road rage.
