Musicians Prepare to Live Off Diet of Ramen Noodles and Broken Dreams as AI Takes Center Stage
In a twist of fate that no computer-generated beat could predict, aspiring musicians and audiovisual artistes around the world are bracing for a brave new future that promises to leave them busking on the streets while robotic symphonies take the Grammys by storm.
According to a cutting-edge study that definitely doesn’t have any investors from Big Tech hiding behind the curtain, workers in the music sector are expected to kiss nearly 25% of their income goodbye as artificial intelligence struts in with algorithms smoother than a jazz sax solo. As the serenade of software takes over, AI-generated tunes are predicted to go platinum, leaving human creators to ponder if their next gig should include sticking googly eyes on guitars to see if quirky aesthetics can outperform machine learning.
The audiovisual sector isn’t frolicking in fields of prosperity either. Those crafty with cameras and soundboards are forewarned to experience a 20% reduction in income, presumably because AI has been reading up on film theory and decided it can direct Jurassic Park 17 with zero explosions and 100% existential dread. Economists predict that by 2028, the generative AI market will balloon from a humble €3bn to a celestial €64bn, largely due to the breakthrough discovery that bots just sound better when they’ve got more money than sense.
Cultural commentator and part-time fortune teller Guido von Synthesizer shared his insights, saying, “Musicians might as well start teaching their cats to play the piano live on Instagram because who needs skill when you have memes?”
The shimmer of hope in this solo of staggering irony lies in policymakers, who experts warn may actually have to do their jobs for once and save human artists from this not-so-virtuous symphony. Though, betting on politicians to move at something faster than AI’s lightning-fast BPM gives us all the same feeling as waiting for a dial-up modem to finally connect in 1999.
Despite the bleak utopian overtones, many human creators remain optimistic. “I think we can still find a niche,” said DJ Spinny Disk, who spoke while rigorously practicing yodeling to a techno beat just in case that quirky human touch gives him a market edge.
Until policy shifts or public revolt, the music world waits, biding time by sitting back to marvel at ironic concerts performed by Alexa in an empty amphitheater while Siri critiques, “Could be better, darling.” After all, isn’t that the very definition of progress?
