Cybersecurity Experts Predict 2025 Will Be Just Like 2023 But With Fancier Lingo and More ‘AI’
In a groundbreaking revelation that surprised absolutely no one, cybersecurity experts have predicted that the techno-babble of 2025 will have exactly the same unfathomable purpose as that of 2023, but with a freshly glossed vernacular and a few more sprinkles of “AI” for good measure. Leading the charge in this futurist fairytale, experts have released their list of top trends, a secret guide to befuddling audiences with buzzwords while still sounding like you know what the hell you’re talking about.
“Honestly, we just took the buzzwords from last year, threw in a few random AI abbreviations like GenAI and Zero Trust—which sound mysterious enough to spook the board members—and called it a day,” confessed tech industry insider Ima Hacker, who spoke under strict conditions of anonymity because he didn’t actually want to be seen as a revolutionary thinker.
One trend boldly predicted is the continued reign of Artificial Intelligence. Not to miss out on the AI hype-train that seems to conduct tours of the tech world every couple of years, there’s a general consensus that AI will continue solving problems that, coincidentally, it’s most adept at creating in the first place. “It’s a beautifully cyclical system,” noted Sally Phish, renowned analyst of the society for Predictable Tech Outcomes, who promised that 2025 will seem futuristic enough to still disappoint our sci-fi riven dreams of the future.
Meanwhile, data breaches are predicted to be the new rain: inevitable, somewhat unpreventable, and a universal nuisance. The experts have urged individuals to follow the zero-sense security concept aptly named ‘Zero Trust’—where trust is eliminated so effectively that you’re too paranoid to even trust yourself. “It’s groundbreaking,” said Victor Phishious, a cybersecurity menace, gleefully explaining that, “In 2025, you’ll doubt whether you even typed your own password.”
And let’s not forget about international tech policies. Experts predict these will continue being as clear and straightforward as Shakespearean English spoken at double speed—all while maintaining an astonishing level of vagueness that leads one to question whether politicians are investing more in their cybersecurity or their ambiguity.
Finally, say experts, the supply chain will remain where it always is—in supply chain limbo. A world where companies tantalize consumers with promises of ironclad security, while simultaneously getting hacked through a chain as sturdy as wet tissue paper. Consumers are suggested to invest in industrial strength duct tape to hold their faith in supply chains together while browsing online markets.
As we look toward 2025, a year that promises more of the same with shinier distractions, it becomes ever clearer that our future security is as secure as a paper umbrella in a hurricane—with AI doing the weather forecasting.
