Big Tech Caught Red-Handed in Scandalous “Data Alchemy” Scheme, Promises It Was “Just a Phase”
In a move to reaffirm their position as modern-day digital conquistadors, tech behemoths Amazon, Google, and Meta have come under fire for what Australian authorities have dubbed an audacious cultural and data heist. In a shocking revelation that apparently surprised no one except a few koalas and an occasionally attentive kangaroo, these companies are now accused of ripping creativity and data straight from the hearts (and hard drives) of unsuspecting Aussies to beef up their AI wizardry.
Australian Senator Tony Sheldon, apparently under the delusion that being a government official grants him certain powers like the right to ask questions, expressed his dismay at these corporations’ masterful ability to deliver answers as clear as a Vegemite sandwich on fine china. “It was like trying to get a toddler to explain the quantum physics of a chocolate bar,” Sheldon remarked, admiring the verbal gymnastics performed by company reps who are rumored to be scoring millions in multinational dodgeball championships.
In response, a spokesperson for Amazon, hiding behind the comforting anonymity of an Internet connection, reassured the public with corporate buzzwords and platitudes polished enough to reflect sunlight. “We honestly just wanted to train our AI to understand the Aussie lingo better, mate,” he said, showing off Google Translate’s latest outback-friendly update.
Meanwhile, Meta, in its latest attempt at a PR facelift, announced a digital apology in the form of virtual reality therapy sessions. “It’s like talking to a therapist, except the therapist is a robot and is probably judging your psychological data for ad purposes,” an unnamed executive smiled nervously.
The inquiry’s prophetic 13 recommendations, designed presumably with more foresight than Gandalf on caffeine, call for standalone AI legislation. This bold initiative aims to protect creative workers from their current employment situation of contributing to the might of machine overlords with only minimal emotional trauma.
As this drama unfolds, there seems to be a glimmer of hope for those in creative industries—like writers, painters, and, presumably, didgeridoo performers—who are now petitioning for emotional reparations in the form of unlimited access to all Bing search results.
Stay tuned for more updates as Australian officials press companies for transparency, and the rest of us wait breathlessly to see if Santa Claus will finally upgrade his sleigh to a self-driving model courtesy of Big Tech’s latest ethical advances.
