Amazon Buys $8 Billion “Future Jarvis,” Hopes AI Can Finally Make Prime Deliveries On Time
In a groundbreaking move that experts are calling “a technological version of a midlife crisis,” Amazon has decided to pour a whopping $8 billion into AI startup Anthropic, with hopes it might finally create an artificial intelligence that can perform the simple yet elusive task of getting your Prime packages to you before you’ve forgotten what impulse buy you made at 2 AM.
According to completely fabricated sources within Anthropic, the AI startup is developing a cutting-edge technology known as “Future Jarvis,” inspired by every sci-fi movie involving an intelligent assistant with the British accent that every American secretly desires. “We’re aiming for an AI that isn’t just proactive but can also deal with customer tantrums and the existential dread of ordering a swimsuit in December,” said a non-existent company spokesperson.
Amazon, the e-commerce titan known for its noncommittal delivery estimates and condolence emails when your package is inevitably delayed, is looking for any AI solution that can preemptively predict which items you’ll eventually return after admitting, ‘Yeah, I didn’t really need that inflatable unicorn.’ The company’s AWS unit will step in as Anthropic’s cloud provider, mainly because Amazon likes to keep things in the family—except when it comes to paying taxes.
Despite investing what third-world countries might call a national budget, Amazon will continue to hold a minority stake, cleverly proving that you can dominate a market without actually owning it. “We’re betting 8 billion bucks that Anthropic’s AI will help us solve humankind’s greatest problem: remembering which porch you want your package left at,” a fictional Amazon executive eagerly explained, looking forward to the day when the delivery driver’s photo doesn’t resemble an enigma worthy of Sherlock Holmes.
Many industry insiders view this move as a clear indication of big tech’s frantic race to invent AI capable of making their business models look less like Dad trying to program the VCR. Meanwhile, skeptics argue whether this is a step forward in technological advancement or just another way for companies to say, “Hey, AI, do the thing! You know, the really smart and useful thing!”
“Look, if this AI can make us stand in fewer lines, pay fewer shipping fees, and get our packages delivered by actual drones… I’m all for it!” commented every single fictionalized, overly-enthusiastic Amazon Prime user we could imagine.
In the end, only time will tell if Amazon’s massive bet on Anthropic will pay off. Or if it will just haphazardly make your house another stop in its relentless quest of getting things to people with their crazy two-day expectations. Until then, keep a lookout for your future AI overlord masquerading as a cheerful delivery robot.
