Big Tech’s Bake Sale: DOJ Suggests Google Sell Chrome, Throw in an Eclair
In a delightful twist of tech and bureaucracy, the US Department of Justice (DOJ) has decided it’s time to shake up Google’s near-omnipotent grip on the internet by suggesting they auction off their beloved Chrome browser at the next Silicon Valley flea market. This groundbreaking proposal is aimed at dismantling what many have humorously dubbed Google’s “World Domination Kit.”
The DOJ’s latest bright idea follows a judge’s revelation that Google might just have a tad too much power in its search empire—akin to finding out that the sun is slightly warm. In an august revelation (pun fully intended) by the courts, the search titan apparently had a stranglehold that even Hercules would envy. “Surprised?” said literally no one ever.
“We figured a good old-fashioned yard sale might do the trick,” chuckled Justice Department official Iam Always Right. “We’ve heard Chrome can fetch a pretty penny, and we might even bundle in some Android smartphone cases and novelty AI chatbots for a limited-time offer.”
Google, in typical fashion, responded with the grace of a cat trying to fit into a small cardboard box. “We’re open to making changes,” said spokesmodel and unofficial emoji connoisseur, Ima Notbudging. “But we’re still considering hosting our own online bake sale first—what’s democracy without a little friendly competition over our delicious cookies?”
Tech experts predict that this could be just the beginning. “If they offload Chrome, who knows what’s next?” speculates analyst and part-time psychic, Nostra Dumbass. “Maybe Google Maps will be next, and we’ll go back to navigating with ancient relics known as paper maps.”
Meanwhile, the public eagerly awaits the outcome to see if their favorite search engine will become, quite literally, someone else’s search engine. Stay tuned for the inevitable soap opera titled, “As the Browser Turns,” featuring guest appearances by Bing and DuckDuckGo, still valiantly trying to pretend they’re in the same league.
For now, Google maintains it sees “no evil, speaks no evil, and certainly hears no evil,” as it awaits this judicial showdown. It’s unclear if anyone told them that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. Grab your popcorn, folks. This is one tech deconstruction you won’t want to miss.
