DOJ Hopes Chrome Breakup Gambit Will Finally Help Americans Discover Bing
In a move that economists are calling “bold” and tech-savvy kids are labeling “my granddad’s move,” the US Department of Justice plans to heroically disrupt the space-time continuum by urging Google to ditch its beloved Chrome browser. After years of quietly sobbing over their Internet Explorer’s decline, the DOJ is now ready to break open the monopoly juggernaut that has selfishly owned the search market—or as we like to call it, the place where everyone types “how to make avocado toast?” before all hope vanishes.
In a massively earth-shattering document filing, DOJ officials expounded the need for “structural remedies,” a term so vague it could mean anything from selling off Chrome to perhaps just taping over Chrome logos with stickers bearing “Your Search Here” labels. It’s essentially the tech equivalent of a middle-aged man’s intention to finally start going to the gym regularly—well-meaning but unlikely to stick.
“This isn’t just about Google being the leader,” explained an anonymous DOJ official who would only identify as ‘Not Bing’. “This is about justice. And perhaps supporting an underdog like Bing who just needs a bit more love. I mean, come on, ever tried Bing? The first five results are actual results!”
Google, amusingly shocked by the DOJ’s audacity, released a casual statement suggesting they were “surprised the government even knew how to change the default browser setting,” before noting that its employees would gladly answer DOJ emails… just as soon as they stopped arriving suspiciously in their spam folders.
While the DOJ may also take further actions against AI and Android, their understanding of these complex systems seems to hover somewhere between that of a silicon valley billionaire and a toddler hacking an Etch-a-Sketch with a hammer. “The era of AI overlords is potentially here,” remarked a DOJ analyst, midway through yelling at his smart speaker for not recognizing that “play my playlist” doesn’t mean “call Mom.”
The DOJ’s previous attempts at tech regulation included proposing that wireless networks be replaced with good old tin cans and strings, a method allegedly “free from cookies and better for community spirit.” However, this current Chrome de-monopolization effort is seen as a serious push to ensure that future generations finally understand the glory that is a search page without an advertisement budget larger than most small countries.
NOT BING continued to champion their case by saying, “When they look back at this moment, future generations will remember it as the day when the DOJ tried to make the internet marginally cheaper and approximately 2% less cluttered. Also, perhaps the day that inspired kids using Bing in school reports.”
It remains to be seen if the DOJ will succeed, but one thing is certain: The tech world will continue rolling its collective eyes at yet another regulatory thumb war attempting to hurdle from the Flintstones to Jetsons in a single bound.
