Trump’s Latest Economic “Brilliant” Plan to Fix Economy by Throwing Tariffs, Lower Taxes, and Possibly a Kitchen Sink at It
Washington – In a move that has experts as baffled as they are alarmed, President-elect Donald Trump has unveiled a groundbreaking economic strategy that can only be described as a mix between throwing spaghetti at a wall and hoping some sort of noodle-based economic miracle occurs. Stepping into office for a second act—because sequels are always better, right?—Trump has assured Americans that higher tariffs and lower taxes will, somehow, convert the nation’s financial woes into unprecedented prosperity by 2029, or whenever inflation decides to throw in the towel, whichever comes first.
Reflecting on the election, it appears the strategy of nostalgic optimism worked like a charm: Trump defeated Kamala Harris by promising to steer the economy onto something other than the ‘wrong track.’ Critics argue this new direction is equally unclear, marked perhaps more by the president-elect’s penchant for controlling narratives than decipher-worthy economic policy. “We’re going to knock out debts like they’ve never been knocked out before! It’s going to be HUGE,” claimed financial savant and part-time palm reader, Donald Trump, while holding an oversized calculator set to ‘divide by zero.’
Now, skepticism lingers among economists who are warily eyeing the perfect storm of rising prices, unseasonal inflation squalls, and hurricane-force interest rates. “The plan really is exceptional for its unprecedented levels of wishful thinking,” said Dr. Ima Skeptic, economic professor and proud owner of at least three Monopoly boards. “There’s a chance everything will work out and we won’t need to stockpile canned beans, but let’s be realistic—that chance is about the same as Trump entering a beauty pageant and winning,” she added, with a dry chuckle.
While discussions on Trump’s proposed policies continue to become more surreal than a Salvador Dalí painting, Trump’s supporters maintain a firm belief in the master plan—or whatever algorithm he’s using. “It’s going to be revolutionary!” exclaimed devoted Trump follower, Bob “The Believer” Smith. “He’s going to take on China, Russia, and maybe even the Moon! And we’ll come out trillionaires, mark my words,” he declared, clutching a “Make Tariffs Great Again” hat perched askew on his head.
As the nation braces for economic policies that might soon resemble an episode of Shark Tank, the rest of the world observes with mild horror, popcorn at the ready. Whether this ambitious blend of tax cuts and divine intervention will save the economy remains to be seen, but one thing’s certain: it’s destined to keep people on the edge of their seats—and hopefully, their homes— for years to come.
