Artificial Intelligence Now Preferred Crime Partner, New Study Shows
In a groundbreaking study that has shocked literally no one, AI-boosted cybercrime has emerged as the go-to career move for underworld professionals, reportedly topping LinkedIn’s “in-demand skills” list for the third consecutive quarter. A staggering 80% of executives confess to waking up in cold sweats, living with the grim certainty that AI is the Bonnie to their cyber vulnerabilities’ Clyde.
AI’s ascension in the nefarious world of cybercrime has some industry experts dubbing it the “Swiss Army knife of scumbaggery.” “We’re seeing an unprecedented union of technology and villainy,” said Biff McHackerson, a reformed cybercriminal now working as an ethical hacker. “Gone are the days when a hoodie and lack of personal hygiene were prerequisites to hacking. Now all you need is a Wi-Fi connection and an AI model with more empathy than a toaster.”
F#&$ing over people using point-and-click AI tools has apparently become the modern substitute for wearing oversized ski masks and dramatically whispering in basements filled with old pizza boxes. According to the study conducted by Gartner Inc., cybercriminals have upgraded their software game from basic dumb hacks to full-fledged diabolical masterminds with the computing power to match. “It’s marvelously efficient,” noted Dr. Cersei Clickbait, a Professor of Satirical Security Studies. “Imagine stealing candy from a baby, but the ‘candy’ is your entire digital identity and the ‘baby’ is just an oblivious server.”
Even respected institutions like Microsoft have been scrambling to implement countermeasures that don’t inadvertently provide evening entertainment for hackers, who reportedly find the task of sidestepping new protections “more blissful than watching cat videos.”
And it’s not just tech giants feeling the pressure; the EU too is hastily drafting legal tomes in crayon to ensure “Responsibly Helping AI Play Nice” becomes the mantra, albeit chanted in 24 official languages. “We are committed to holding discussions about maybe doing something possibly impactful,” chuckled one EU official who requested anonymity for fear of attracting a rogue AI created to interfere with bureaucratic processes.
Meanwhile, ordinary citizens are advised to stay vigilant and consider investing in cyber insurance, firewall upgrades, and possibly an exorcist specializing in digital demons. After all, if your fridge can Netflix and chill without you, imagine what malice your toaster might be capable of.
