Anthropic Releases New AI That Can Almost Write Poems As Well As A Sleep-deprived Middle Schooler
In a landmark moment for artificial intelligence enthusiasts who really like to make things harder for themselves, Anthropic has announced a significant upgrade to its acclaimed Sonnet and Haiku software. The advancements prompt much celebration amongst the proud community of poets who until recently feared they might have to do something novel, like writing their own poems. But the real question on everyone’s mind: Where the hell is the Opus model?
Anthropic’s latest creation claims to inject new life into poetry. This allegedly revolutionary progression now allows AI to churn out verses that sit comfortably between a limerick written on a pub napkin and a Shakespearean sonnet dictated by a drunk bard. “The goal,” a spokesperson from Anthropic noted while wistfully staring into the distance, “is to finally make poetry… extremely mediocre.”
Enthusiastic AI poets quickly scurried to their keyboards to test the new models. They were found feverishly entering prompts like ‘love,’ ‘loss,’ and ‘do my taxes’ to see if Sonnet and Haiku 3.5 could capture human emotion or at least replace a psychotherapy session. By all accounts—except those from actual human poets—these machines are now impressively adept at stringing together words resembling sentiments, albeit with slightly less coherence than a cat walking across a keyboard.
But disappointingly for the avant-garde clique craving the promised omnipotent Opus, such ambitions must stay shelved. Rumors have it that Opus is busy providing therapy for burnt-out coders who desperately need to write something more meaningful than their daily to-do list. “Opus is like Bigfoot,” suggested Dr. Al Gorithm, an AI specialist who hasn’t fully exited his office in three years, “You hear a lot about it, but nobody’s ever actually seen it.”
As the AI poetry upgrade rolls out, Stable Diffusion 3.5, OmniParser, and other equally mysterious sorcery have emerged as the overachieving siblings, overshadowing our humble poetry models. But Anthropic assures the public that these advancements are simply there to remind aspiring poets that even in a world dominated by technology, bad poetry can forever remain as perpetually human—and charmingly crappy—as it always was.
In related news, a delegation of existentially challenged poets has issued a plea to Anthropic to make Sonnet 3.5 ‘a little bit worse’ to preserve their existential crisis. A decision is still pending, but insiders suggest they might oblige just for the comedic value.
And so, while we wait with bated breath for Opus to someday intervene and write the next Great (Artificial) American Novel—or at least slap together a grocery list that warms the soul—let’s savor this moment. Because in a world where AI now approximates our dashed-off poetry, we may all be forced to face the terrifying reality that we, too, once wrote like machines.
