Microsoft Unveils New Copilot Features That Do Everything Except Your Laundry

Redmond, WA – In an unprecedented technological leap that only Microsoft could engineer, the company has announced six groundbreaking features for its Microsoft Copilot that promise to change the way you pretend to work entirely. Described by company insiders as “one PowerPoint presentation away from being sentient,” these new features aim to do everything under the sun, short of actually offering you a cappuccino or telling you how to do your job.

First in the lineup is the revolutionary “Auto-Mundane” feature designed to practically write emails for you. Want to send a birthday greeting that sounds like it came from a heartless automaton? Done. “Our Copilot makes sure your emails are just coherent enough to pass as human,” assured Lead Developer, Chip Waffleton, while setting an elaborate Slack status.

In addition to email wizardry, there’s the exquisitely pointless “Meeting Master” feature designed to schedule meetings you don’t want, with people you’d rather avoid. It’s the digital equivalent of scheduling a root canal—unnecessary, yet somehow satisfying. “We wanted to ensure that scheduling useless meetings could finally be an objective reality,” said Waffleton, staring into the void.

The “PowerPanic” feature is next, aimed at automatically generating PowerPoint presentations 30 minutes before your actual presentation. A slide mysteriously titled “Revenue Projections 2090” will definitely make your boss raise an eyebrow or two. “It’s like giving a TED talk but without any of the credibility,” Waffleton added while trying to remember his own manager’s name.

But let’s not forget about the “Excel-lence” feature, which guarantees that absolutely no one will know how those numbers appeared on the spreadsheet, not even the AI. Never has a feature done so much and so little simultaneously. It boosts productivity by at least 0.0001%, though even Excel’s formulas can’t quantify that.

Of course, social etiquette isn’t left out. The “Edge of Reason” feature allows you to leave unread cookies on Microsoft Edge as a power move, potentially sabotaging your entire browsing experience in the process. “Internet cookies are passé,” they claim, while nobody understands what that really means.

Finally, there’s the “Artificial Understatement” feature, which rephrases all your angry feedback into something resembling a Shakespearean sonnet. Try complaining about someone stealing your lunch out of the office fridge only to find it turned into a five-act play worthy of the West End.

As the world collectively braces itself for 365 days a year of unparalleled inefficiency, Microsoft is boldly going where no other corporate entity has dared to venture: straight into the heart of workaholic irrelevance. As Chip Waffleton eloquently said before rushing off for a “nap-time retraining session,” “Our goal is simple—keep everything as unnecessarily interactive as humanly possible.”

And when asked if the Copilot would one day be able to do the most human job of all—laundry—the developers smiled and said, “That’s for Copilot 2.0. We’re expecting to launch that update in 2040, pending market research and a global revolution in detergent-based AI.”