In a shocking move that has stunned precisely no one, tech giant Apple has announced that it will continue to tread the uncharted waters of artificial intelligence with the caution of a grandma double-checking her email for a computer virus. In a statement released from what can only be assumed is an ivory tower on a mountain of designer turtlenecks, Apple declared it would not follow the reckless examples set by the “thrill-seeking maniacs” at other tech firms.
While tech companies like OpenAI race at breakneck speed to bring about the rise of our robotic overlords, Apple is content to stroll leisurely behind, sipping on its customized chai latte, and pondering the significant question, “Can Siri learn the conga?”
“We believe in innovation, but only the kind that doesn’t require us to wear a helmet,” remarked Apple’s Chief Cautious Officer, Ima Slowpoke. “Our strategy, as always, is to observe from a distance, occasionally squinting through binoculars, and then maybe—just maybe—join the fray once we’ve consulted with our legal team, risk analysts, and the ghost of Steve Jobs during a full moon.”
Rumor has it Apple’s cutting-edge AI research facility, known internally as the “iWait Department”, is currently hard at work developing a groundbreaking algorithm to ensure Apple invents something revolutionary two minutes before the market collapses from oversaturation. “Our new operating motto is ‘Let’s Not Get Too Crazy, Now,'” Slowpoke added.
In an era where every second company is conjuring up a sentient toaster or talking spatula, Apple’s cautiousness is seen by many enthusiasts as a refreshing adherence to traditional values—namely, ensuring the stock price doesn’t do anything dramatic like ‘move’.
While critics have branded Apple as overly conservative and unimaginative, die-hard fans continue to celebrate its unparalleled ability to polish up everyone else’s ideas and call it, well, magic. Apple’s next big AI innovation is rumored to be an autocorrect bot so advanced, it’ll refuse to change “ducking” to what you really meant unless it’s really, truly necessary and socially responsible.
As the world waits with bated breath, or at least mild interest, for Apple’s next move, Slowpoke assures us that whatever comes next will be “absolutely revolutionary… once we get around to it.” Until then, Apple enthusiasts are advised to continue holding their breath, but not too tightly—after all, we wouldn’t want anyone to pass out before the i(Snooze) is finally announced.
