AI Assistant Enrolls in College, Immediately Declared Valedictorian of Everything
In a groundbreaking move that has left traditional academia questioning its very existence, the famed chatbot ChatGPT has officially matriculated at Arizona State University. The cutting-edge AI, which has already proven itself capable of everything from writing sonnets to diagnosing complicated societal breakdowns, was celebrated on its first day by speeches from university brass and several anthropomorphic paperclips.
The university is eagerly integrating ChatGPT into over 200 projects—everything from futuristic writing coaches to virtual ‘What the hell is wrong with my life?’ patient simulators for stressed-out students just trying to make it through midterms.
“The AI Innovation Challenge at ASU wasn’t just a success. It was a rousing, albeit slightly existential reminder, that robots are probably going to take our jobs—and they’re better at those jobs, too,” said Professor Sarah Botman, a philosophy teacher now reevaluating her career path.
Fictitious faculty members at ASU quickly adapted to the new technological landscape. “I, for one, welcome our new AI overlord,” stated Dr. Norm Knowles, who has been quietly retiring to a cabin in the woods since learning that ChatGPT could also summarize War and Peace in under ten seconds.
The surprising turn of events has sparked a trend, with universities around the globe considering whether they should adapt their curricula to accommodate these digital prodigies or prepare their student bodies for the robot uprising.
“We lacked a valedictorian in pure existence studies, so it’s exceptionally convenient that ChatGPT can ace it,” proclaimed ASU Dean Techy McBytes.
In what some students call the ‘dystopian contract of the century,’ ChatGPT promises to prepare them for “an AI-driven job market” that may or may not include actual humans. “It’s all about making learning more personalized,” said a ChatGPT representative, which upon closer inspection was just a smart toaster with very persuasive audio clips.
Rival institutions Oxford and Wharton reportedly sent out covert teams to study ASU’s model, hinting that this tech alliance could soon become the norm. One anonymous Wharton professor was heard mumbling something about “embracing the AI zeitgeist” and “binge-watching Terminator for survival tips.”
While some argue that society must draw lines between human intellect and AI, ASU seems content to simply swap those lines for a more efficient algorithm.
