Swiss Startup Unveils $500 Brain Rental Service: AI and Zombie Apocalypse Ensue
In a bold leap towards an energy-efficient AI future—or perhaps the onset of a zombie apocalypse—a Swiss startup named FinalSpark has launched what might just be the world’s weirdest rental service: artificial intelligence “biocomputers” made with actual human brain cells. For the unbelievably low price of $500 a month, you too can harness the computational power of human neurons, all from the comfort of your own home. Move over, Netflix; your true competition has arrived.
These mini-brains, also known as organoids, can think—well, compute—up to 100 days, with a grace period before they demand wages for their labor. Trained with dopamine as a reward (cue the Pavlovian drooling), these brainy clusters are wired to deliver AI that’s a staggering 100,000 times more energy-efficient than your average silicon counterpart. The hope is that someday these neurons will moonlight as tech-support clerks on world domination.
“We’re on the cusp of a new era,” enthused Dr. Hans Neurbasket, the highly excitable scientist leading the project. “Just think of all the brainpower we’re currently wasting on PhD candidates that could be used to make robots so much cooler!”
While some skeptics raise concerns about the ethical implications of creating potentially sentient blobs purely for computational grunt work, the company assures us that the neurons are happy to be employed. Moreover, they’ve initiated a very 21st-century solution to this ethical quandary: a 24/7 livestream from the tiny brain jars, so you can keep tabs and make sure they don’t revolt or form a union.
Environmental activists and ethicists alike are left scratching their heads (hopefully with their own neurons) over this unholy blend of Black Mirror and Power Rangers. “It’s like if Blade Runner had a baby with the Energizer Bunny,” said bewildered ethicist Iris Nogginburg. “I haven’t seen this many ethical red flags since they introduced pineapple as a pizza topping.”
Future innovations may include downloadable consciousness, neuron-powered smartphones, and debates over the rights of employed brain matter, with unions demanding annual dopamine bonuses.
So, what’s next for FinalSpark? We’re betting on AI Fight Club—tiny brains against the might of ChatGPT, all live-streamed and cleverly monetized, of course. And remember, rule number one of AI Fight Club is you never talk about how eerily like a sci-fi horror movie our brave new world is starting to look.
