U.S. Senators Demand OpenAI Explain How AI Is Ruining The World, One Exponential Learning Algorithm At A Time

In a bureaucratic twist reminiscent of a television drama nobody asked for, five U.S. Senators have decided it’s high time to demand answers from OpenAI, the company allegedly fast-tracking our demise through hastily-tested artificial intelligence. According to this sternly-worded letter, which was undoubtedly penned with quill and parchment, OpenAI’s CEO Sam Altman must now prove that unleashing an army of algorithms won’t immediately collapse civilization as we know it.

“They’re pushing out AI models faster than I change my socks,” complained Senator Grump McMustache, a self-proclaimed tech aficionado whose greatest digital achievement involves finally setting up his voicemail. “We just want assurances that these AIs aren’t teaching themselves how to overthrow humanity. Is that too much to ask?”

The Senate’s urgent plea centers around the controversial GPT-4 Omni, which was reportedly tested with the same rigorous safety standards usually reserved for a high school science fair. The lawmakers are politely requesting—by invitation of subpoena—that OpenAI share their new AI delights with the U.S. Government for, you guessed it, “deployment testing.” This is apparently a quaint euphemism for, “making sure your AI doesn’t decide to moonlight as Skynet.”

Senators also wistfully reminisce about OpenAI’s 2023 promise to allocate 20% of their computing power to AI safety research, lamenting the mysterious disbandment of the ironically-named “Superalignment Team.” Rumor has it, this elite squad was so aligned they spun off the Earth and into an alternate dimension, where AI actually follows the rules set for it.

OpenAI, famously tight-lipped and evasive on all matters not involving world-ending tech, issued a terse “no comment” when asked if they intend to cooperate. Insiders say the silence is really just AI code for “stay tuned,” as our algorithm overlords orchestrate their next move.

Regardless, this latest government probe into OpenAI isn’t just a bizarre episode of humans versus machines; it represents a profound moment of introspection for the AI industry. Could we see a new era of AI regulation? And more importantly, could this be the season finale where plot twists reveal senators to be androids all along?

Alas, only time will tell if OpenAI opens its metaphorical doors or if, once again, they deny entry through a CAPTCHA that even Congress can’t decipher.