Elon Musk’s New Robotaxi Wants to Drive You Crazy — But Only If It’s In Tesla’s Coma-Inducing Traffic Jams
In a move that’s sure to have steering wheel enthusiasts everywhere quaking in their boots, Elon Musk has taken the wraps off Tesla’s latest marvel: the Robotaxi. This sleek vehicle dares to ask the question, “Who needs a steering wheel or pedals?” while ignoring the answer “Anyone who enjoys being in control of a multi-ton potential death machine.”
With Elon’s new contraption, drivers—wait, scratch that—passengers can experience the complete absence of autonomy for just $30,000! It’s the mortar shell in Musk’s war on decision-making, as if drivers haven’t had enough decisions stripped away by GPS navigation and the built-in Spotify that assumes you want to listen to more Miley Cyrus.
But wait, there’s more! You’ll also have the unexpected joy of the Robovan, capable of carrying 20 passengers, meaning you can now involuntarily share your space with 19 other bored commuters. “Finally, a chance to feel like a sardine in a can without the pleasant aroma!” said no one ever.
Where others see potholes, Musk sees opportunity. With projected operating costs of 20 cents per mile, the Robotaxi promises a future where not only are wheels unnecessary, but so is the concept of enjoying one’s journey. “It’s revolutionary—like a bus, but with less human interaction,” quipped one imaginary Tesla employee.
Always the visionary, Musk also assures us the Optimus humanoid robots will soon debut, poised to snag the title of “biggest product of any kind,” second only to his ego. With a future where your brand-new Optimus can weigh in on life decisions like whether pineapple belongs on pizza, it’s a brave new world indeed.
As usual, Elon’s endeavor is shrouded in hype thicker than the air in a first-class cabin. Whether this move signifies the dawn of a driverless era or the apocalypse of joy in commuting, one thing is certain: steering wheels and driver sanity are so 2023.
Before you know it, you’ll be sleeping through your morning commute in your Robotaxi’s backseat, dreaming of the good old days when you could honk your horn in righteous road rage. Welcome to Musk’s utopia—where self-driving is the mandatory mandate, personal choice, be damned!
