Apple Announces iOS 18.1, Yet Another Update to Make You Question If Your Phone is Smarter Than You

In a move set to both excite and terrify users, Apple is dropping iOS 18.1 on October 28, complete with something they are ominously calling “Apple Intelligence.” After years of reassuring consumers that they were still in charge of their devices, Apple has finally decided to whisper sweet nothings through predictive text and algorithms right into your ear. “It’s like your iPhone just leveled up to a high-priest AI whisperer,” said Tim Cook during a press conference that was attended by three journalists and a workshop on AI ethics.

According to sources, who prefer to remain anonymous as they’re still grappling with how their toaster suddenly got a mind of its own, this latest update was delayed by an entire month. Why, you ask? Apparently, the Apple Intelligence is so advanced, it mistook its own release schedule for fake news. “Turns out teaching a virtual assistant to differentiate between real and fake calendar events is no small feat,” said an unnamed developer, who looked visibly traumatized.

iOS 18.1 promises to do all the things you never needed, like remind you of an ex’s birthday while you’re in the middle of a blind date. “We’ve really improved predictive personal embarrassment,” explained a spokesperson for Apple Intelligence, sipping from a mug that read, “Chaos Coordinator.”

Customers are eagerly waiting to test the new Apple Intelligence feature, designed to inadvertently turn your iPhone into the NSA’s long-lost cousin. “If it wasn’t for my phone predicting my irrational desire to order sushi at 3 AM, I’d have no idea just how much control it really has over me,” said iPhone user Jess Thompson, who has since accepted her fate as both a user and a used.

In related news, Samsung is reportedly working on their own version of “Risky AI Features” to ensure that all smartphones equally participate in baffling users with unnecessary complexities.