**Apple Announces iOS 18.1, Promises It Will Be Smarter Than You by October 28**

Apple Inc. has officially declared war on the fallibility of the human mind with the upcoming release of iOS 18.1, expected to hit devices on October 28. The tech giant, renowned for its modesty and understated product launches, claims this new operating system update will feature groundbreaking Apple Intelligence that’s at least 12% smarter than your average smartphone-related family argument over dinner.

According to an interpretive dance conveyed via hologram at last year’s secretive Apple Gala (where under-confident tech reporters are routinely quizzed by iPhones), the delayed release is due to the meticulous process of teaching this intelligence system “everything it needs to know about knowing everything.”

Apple Intelligence promises to revolutionize how we futilely ask our phones questions we could have Googled ourselves. “Picture Siri, but now she’s rolling her eyes at you,” explained fictitious Apple spokesperson Ima Wright. “The next time you ask your phone why your Wi-Fi isn’t working, it’ll politely suggest you try turning the router off and back on again in a tone that implies gentle mockery.”

While some users are concerned Apple Intelligence may transform into Apple Smugness, others eagerly anticipate the new features. “I can’t wait to be condescendingly informed my favorite restaurant is closed for renovation when I’m already outside it,” said a man who’s clearly never been betrayed by autocorrect.

The software update will reportedly also include a special “Apology Mode” where, after sending a snarky response to your queries, the phone will compile a list of memes most likely to soothe bruised egos.

Critics, however, have questioned the benefits of a more intelligent phone. “What if this Apple Intelligence knows more about my own birthday than I do?” worried fictional consumer Baxter Headscratch. “What if it’s memorizing my mother’s maiden name while I’m still trying to remember which year I graduated?”

Industry insiders point out that this may just be an elaborate psychological experiment to test how long it takes for customers to beg their smart devices to go back to being just phone-shaped calculators. Yet, as with everything Apple does, speculation is rife and opinion split — but one thing is sure: come October 28, iPhones everywhere will be ready, willing, and perhaps able to soundly ridicule our questionable human intellect.