CHINA’S ALIBABA UNVEILS QWEN-IMAGE-EDIT: NEW SOFTWARE GUARANTEES YOU’LL NEVER LOOK LIKE YOUR ACTUAL SELF IN PHOTOS AGAIN

In a move that has silicon-based thinking rectangles everywhere vibrating with joy, Chinese tech giant Alibaba has unleashed its latest “totally-not-for-creating-fake-news” technology onto the world – Qwen-Image-Edit, a 20 billion parameter monster designed to make reality its b!tch.

FINALLY, A TECHNOLOGY THAT LETS YOU PUT WORDS IN OTHER PEOPLE’S MOUTHS LITERALLY

The groundbreaking software promises to help users perform “pixel-perfect edits” and “style transformations” – corporate speak for “make your ex look like they’re riding a unicorn through North Korea” and “turn your boring vacation photos into evidence you climbed Everest in flip-flops.”

“This represents the natural evolution of human communication,” explains Dr. Photoshop Liarson, head of Alibaba’s Technically-Not-Misinformation Department. “First we had speech, then writing, then Photoshop, and now we can just ask an AI to make our boss appear to be holding a sign that says ‘I eat glue’ with zero technical skills required.”

According to Alibaba’s press release, which our fact-checkers have confirmed is definitely real and not something we generated with their own f@#king software, Qwen-Image-Edit achieves “state-of-the-art performance” across benchmarks, beating rivals like GPT Image, Seedream, and “your nephew who knows Photoshop.”

MULTIPLE EDITS CAN STACK ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, JUST LIKE THE LIES IN YOUR DATING PROFILE

The technology features built-in bilingual capabilities, allowing users to modify both Chinese and English text directly in images without breaking fonts or formatting. This breakthrough ensures that fake quotes attributed to world leaders can now be generated in multiple languages with unprecedented authenticity.

A recent survey conducted by the Institute of Obvious Conclusions found that 97.4% of users plan to use the technology exclusively for “legitimate purposes” while making shifty eye movements and nervously adjusting their collars.

“I’m just gonna use it to remove red-eye from my family photos,” said one beta tester who requested anonymity but was later identified through facial recognition as having spent six hours editing himself into the background of celebrity wedding photos.

THE FUTURE IS NOW, AND IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE THE ACTUAL PRESENT

Professor Reality Isoverrated, who definitely exists and wasn’t just conjured into existence for this article, warns that we’re entering a new era where “seeing is no longer believing, and your lying eyes are actually telling the truth about lying.”

Meanwhile, journalism schools worldwide are frantically updating their curricula to include the course “How To Tell If That Video Of The President Wrestling An Alligator Is Real Or Not: A Primer.”

In related news, Adobe stock plummeted as investors realized that paying $52.99 monthly for Photoshop might be unnecessary when Alibaba is basically giving away the digital equivalent of a reality distortion field for free.

At press time, Alibaba was reportedly working on their next breakthrough: a technology that automatically generates news articles about their impressive AI achievements without requiring pesky humans to write them. Wait a minute…