STUDY CONFIRMS HUMANS OFFICIALLY EVOLVING INTO ANTISOCIAL SPEED-WALKING ASSH*LES
In a groundbreaking scientific discovery that absolutely nobody needed, researchers have confirmed what your grandparents won’t shut up about: everyone’s walking too f@#king fast and nobody talks to each other anymore.
BREAKING NEWS: PEOPLE SUCK MORE THAN THEY USED TO
Scientists with apparently nothing better to do used fancy AI technology to compare videos of public spaces from the 1970s with modern footage from New York, Boston, and Philadelphia. The shocking conclusion? We’ve transformed from functioning social creatures into phone-obsessed speed demons who’d rather swipe right than make eye contact.
“People today move through public spaces like they’re being chased by invisible murder hornets,” explains Dr. Ima Nostalgic, head researcher at the Institute for Stating the Obvious. “The average walking speed has increased 43% while meaningful social interaction has plummeted a staggering 78% since the 1970s.”
MODERN HUMANS EVOLVING INTO NEW SUBSPECIES: PHONEUS ADDICTUS
The research revealed that the modern human has developed previously unseen evolutionary traits, including neck curvature perfect for staring at screens, thumbs strong enough to crush walnuts, and the social awareness of a particularly dense rock.
“We’ve created a perfect statistical model of today’s average urban dweller,” said Professor Scroll N. Swipe. “They walk 2.7 times faster than their 1970s counterparts, make eye contact once every 94 minutes, and would literally rather fall into an open manhole than engage in spontaneous conversation with a stranger.”
TECHNOLOGY: BOTH THE CAUSE AND POTENTIAL SOLUTION TO OUR RAMPANT DOUCHEBAGGERY
The same researchers who used AI to confirm we’re all turning into antisocial jerks suggest that, ironically, more technology might save us from ourselves.
“We’re developing AI systems that could potentially trick humans into accidentally interacting with each other,” explained tech developer Barry Manilow-Contact. “Our prototype includes park benches that subtly tilt strangers toward each other and street lights that temporarily disable smartphone signals, forcing people to look up in confused panic, sometimes making accidental eye contact.”
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER THE 1970S WEREN’T ACTUALLY THAT GREAT EITHER
In a shocking twist, additional research revealed that while people in the 1970s did socialize more, approximately 83% of those conversations were equally meaningless bullsh!t, just without the benefit of being able to pretend to check important emails.
“People back then weren’t having profound philosophical discussions on street corners,” clarified historical sociologist Dr. Reality Check. “They were just complaining about different stuff, like how expensive gas was at 65 cents a gallon.”
The researchers conclude that returning to 1970s-style public interaction would simply replace our current problems with different, equally stupid ones, but at least we’d be walking at a reasonable f@#king pace while ignoring each other.
