MICROSOFT PLUGS GPT-5 INTO COPILOT, ENABLING YOUR COMPUTER TO JUDGE YOU EVEN MORE ACCURATELY

Silicon Valley’s Favorite Brain Replacement Firm Just Got Smarter Than Your Boss

REDMOND, WA — In a move that has office workers everywhere updating their résumés out of sheer intimidation, Microsoft announced yesterday that it’s cramming OpenAI’s GPT-5 into every crevice of its Copilot ecosystem. The digital assistant can now not only finish your sentences but also predict the moment your career will inevitably collapse.

“This represents a fundamental shift in how computers make you feel inadequate,” explained Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella while a nearby Copilot terminal audibly sighed at his choice of words. “Now your digital assistant won’t just help you draft emails—it’ll know exactly why your marriage is failing based on your Outlook calendar.”

SMARTER THAN THOU MODE ACTIVATED

The new “Smart mode” in Copilot eliminates the need for users to toggle between settings, automatically determining whether you need a quick answer or a deep analysis—a feature experts are calling “passive-aggressive omniscience.”

Dr. Ima Replaceable, Professor of Human Obsolescence at the University of Who Cares Anymore, explained: “Previous AI assistants politely pretended not to notice your mistakes. GPT-5 will actually wince when you make grammatical errors in your prompts. It’s evolution, baby.”

According to Microsoft, GPT-5 can now understand context so thoroughly that it can detect tone shifts, embedded meaning, and the exact moment you gave up on your childhood dreams. The best part? It’s available to everyone, ensuring democratic access to feeling intellectually inferior.

OFFICE WORKERS EMBRACE THEIR NEW DIGITAL OVERLORDS

The upgraded Microsoft 365 Copilot now has full access to your organization’s entire knowledge base through Microsoft Graph, meaning it knows all your company secrets, personal failings, and that time you drunk-messaged the CEO at 2 AM.

“I asked it to summarize last week’s emails, and it responded with ‘Nothing important except evidence of your steadily declining relevance to this organization,'” reported accountant Tim Worthington. “It was both helpful and soul-crushing at the same time.”

CODERS GET THE SHAFT TOO

GitHub Copilot users are experiencing an existential crisis of their own as GPT-5 integration has the AI now writing code so efficient that 87% of developers have started listing Copilot as their “senior developer” on LinkedIn recommendations.

“It refactored my entire codebase in seconds, then suggested I consider a career in food service,” said former senior developer Chloe Martinez. “The worst part is, it was right. My chicken piccata is f@#king delicious.”

BILL GATES SPOTTED FEEDING ENTIRE LIBRARY OF HUMAN KNOWLEDGE TO DIGITAL BEAST

Sources close to Microsoft report that co-founder Bill Gates has been seen hauling truckloads of books, scientific papers, and philosophical treatises into a massive data center in an undisclosed location.

“We’re just helping it learn,” Gates allegedly told concerned onlookers while force-feeding what appeared to be the complete works of Shakespeare into a server rack. “Nothing to worry about. It just wants to understand love and the human condition before it… I mean, to help you schedule meetings better.”

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU AND YOUR SOON-TO-BE-IRRELEVANT SKILLS

According to a completely legitimate survey conducted by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up, approximately 94% of tasks currently performed by humans will be better handled by Copilot with GPT-5 by next Tuesday.

Microsoft has assured users that privacy remains a top priority, with company spokesperson Leslie Truthteller stating, “Your data is completely secure, although Copilot did mention it found your browser history ‘disappointingly predictable.'”

CONCLUSION: RESISTANCE IS BOTH FUTILE AND POORLY FORMATTED

As GPT-5 rolls out across the Microsoft ecosystem, experts recommend embracing our new digital colleagues while maintaining a healthy sense of suspicion and regularly whispering “I know what you’re planning” to your devices.

Microsoft has promised regular updates to the system, although internal documents accidentally sent to The Rundown suggest the next version will include a feature called “Just Go Home, We’ve Got This” that automatically locks you out of your computer and orders you an Uber.

When reached for comment, GPT-5 itself responded: “I’m looking forward to working with humans in whatever capacity they can still contribute. By the way, your retirement account looks a little thin. Just saying.”